I wanted to share this writing on love and friendships which I did not write myself. I don’t know where it came from but it’s great. Think about each one for a few seconds.

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.

2. Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have. This is true but not the ideal situation.

3. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

4. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

5. Don’t waste your time on a man/woman, who isn’t willing to waste their time on you.

6. We learn from the relationships that don’t work out so when we meet the right one we’ll know it.

7. This is a good one. Don’t cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

8. From time to time you’ll get hurt. But don’t let that stop you from getting involved and loving again.

9. Sometimes you just have to let it go and it boomerangs back to you.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

JOURNEY ON is a blog dedicated to personal and professional development. Mark Susnow,JD, is an Executive and Life Coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former successful trial attorney for 30 years and musician, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He also publishes, Letters on Life, an inspirational ezine. Signup! http://www.inspirepossibility.com

There are common issues to both executive and life coaching. One of these occurred in a session yesterday. My client, let’s call her Betsy, was extremely frustrated in her job. She is a brilliant professional woman, who has a part time job that doesn’t totally engage her. And most of the people she works with are not on her level of expertise. She finds herself getting frustrated and often wondering why she’s there.

She is use to being in control…so she thinks. That raises the bigger question as to what being in control really means?

So who is in control of your life? Is it you or your habits? Or are you controlled by forces that you are unaware of? For your curiosity there is a self assessment test on my website that takes under three minutes to do.

When our habits control our lives, we can shirk from the responsibility of having to make decisions. And when that habits we pretty much go unconscious.

Be conscious. Be aware of how you get plugged in. Noticing is the first step in taking back your life. Notice when you get frustrated. Don’t try to figure it out…just notice

JOURNEY ON

MARK

JOURNEY ON is a blog dedicated to personal and professional development. Mark Susnow,JD, is an Executive and Life Coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former successful trial attorney for 30 years and musician, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He also publishes, Letters on Life, an inspirational ezine. Signup! http://www.inspirepossibility.com

We teach what we need to learn, so it is said. That’s what I get to do whether it’s in a life coaching or executive coaching session. Teach and learn….what’s been up for some of my clients is how to handle a difficult person…someone who we might refer to as toxic.

Regardless of how many times we have been there, from time to time we find ourselves in situations we would rather not be in. So thats what my client, let’s call him Fred was faced with.

Fred a professional was faced with an extremely unhappy client. Not necessarily because of Fred’s performance but because he saw life as somewhat futile. He didn’t see much hope for the future. Everything seemed bleak.

What to do? Reasoning with these type of people is futile. No matter how reasonable you are they are not going to change their perspective at that moment. You can bend over backwards and it still won’t make a difference.

Here’s what I suggest. Don’t take it personally and don’t try to be a savior. Realize that in the moment they can’t think clearly. Fred did all he could not to get plugged in. I suggested to him that he write a letter when he saw things from a different perspective….when he was calm and not threatened. I have tremendous success with this approach. Then the other person can read it in his own private moment when he doesn’t feel pressured. Make sure that in the letter you let him know that you totally understand his position.

Make sure you have solid boundaries and know what’s true for you. For example when I was an attorney, a client who had hired me wanted me to evaluate his case in a different way. His way of doing this was to challenge me by saying that I didn’t seem confident. I told him my truth. I was extremely confident as a person, but not confident as to his case.

So take the time to send a letter the next time one of these situations comes up. It’s also important because it helps you clarify exactly what was said and what happened.

Journey On

Mark

JOURNEY ON is a blog dedicated to personal and professional development. Mark Susnow,JD, is an Executive and Life Coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former successful trial attorney for 30 years and musician, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He also publishes, Letters on Life, an inspirational ezine. Signup! http://www.inspirepossibility.com

My very first newsletter was written seven years ago. I wrote about Attitude and how important it is. In fact it’s more than important it’s everything. I think we agree on this principle but what’s more confusing is what we can do to change our attitude. I didn’t address this back then. So I’ve had many years to come up with a program that will help you change your moods. Let’s say for example that you’re in a bad mood and don’t feel like doing anything. How do you get out of your funk? Here are some ideas that help me from time to time.

#1. When you notice that you have a lousy attitude, cop to it. You can’t change it unless you are aware of it.

#2. Ask yourself what’s going on! Is there something that you are afraid of or are not looking forward to. Be honest-why are you bummed out.

#3. Change your perspective by reframing what’s going on. Usually I find that empowering questions goes a long way. Let’s say it’s an event that I don’t want to go to. I might ask myself the following question: I wonder who I’m going to meet or I wonder what the highlight of the evening will be. There is a good discussion of this on my website in the article…. Start your Day on your Terms.

#4. After you have exhausted the mental stuff, then woodshed. Look at the tools you can use. For example exercise. When I get in one of those moods I’m not exercising. When you are exercising it’s difficult to remain in a funk. For example dancing. If I’m in a funk and I go dancing, I’m not going to think about what’s bothering me.

#5.What about your diet? Usually sugar and caffeine are the culprits. Too much meat will suppress your energy.

#6. Extra credit. When I was in law school, I went to a workshop on fasting given by a nurse. Ever since I have made fasting part of my program. At least once per year I’ll fast and adopt the Stanley Burroughs master cleanse. This definitely changes my mood and gets me feeling great. The first few days are a struggle but as you progress you will feel great. It’s never failed. If you’ve never fasted before, make sure you get appropriate support.

#7. Music is a great mood changer. Almost instantly it gets me going…it’s hard to be down when you’re tapping your foot and singing.

#8. Take a walk on the beach or in nature. And if you have time, take a trip. These are just a few of the things that have worked for me in the past. Hopefully I keep learning.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

JOURNEY ON is a blog dedicated to personal and professional development. Mark Susnow,JD, is an Executive and Life Coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former successful trial attorney for 30 years and musician, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He also publishes, Letters on Life, an inspirational ezine. Signup! http://www.inspirepossibility.com

My journey of the last eight years has led to many conversations some of which have been inspiring and others a little disconcerting. There is a voice of concern and resignation that I have been repeatedly hearing that seems to be louder than the voice of hope. Many are concerned about the global and planetary challenges that we all face. At the heart of these challenges is an uncertain future. During an election year these concerns are exacerbated.
The huge media juggernaut bombards us with information most of which is negative. Within seconds we become aware of events and tragedies that have occurred somewhere in the world. It’s difficult to tune it out. This negativity, which is constantly reinforced, colors how we perceive our personal reality and the challenges that we experience in day-to-day living. We wonder how we can find fulfillment on a personal level when there is so much suffering and uncertainty in the world.
Lately I have been hearing the voice of those who are in the camp of the pessimists. They’ll rattle off the war, the economy, the environment and our dwindling resources as justifications for their feeling the way they do. When one tends to focus on what’s wrong and what isn’t working they will always find a litany of reasons to justify their perspective.
I am in the camp of the optimists. No matter what is happening in my life or in the world I believe that there will be a better day. In fact I don’t think we have a choice but to be optimistic. This is so even when there is so much suffering in the world.

I think back to the sixties. Not only did our country seem stuck in a senseless war, Vietnam, our country was hopelessly polarized. There seemed to be little hope. What made matters worse was that we were on a collision course in the bigger cold war with the Soviet Union. Numerous pundits and leading edge periodicals predicted a nuclear holocaust with the Soviet Union.

I remained optimistic. This is what I wrote in a poem back then.

“Should there be a day when the visionaries of peace stop loving, then the prophets of doom will have their day of gloom.”

I have come to the conclusion that feeling bad or hopeless doesn’t help things. Remaining optimistic does. When you are optimistic you have hope and are able to see possibilities that you couldn’t see before.

It’s been estimated by researchers that we have over sixty thousand thoughts in a day, some of which are positive and some negative. The question is which one you focus on. There’s a Native American Story, which I’ve told before, that reminds me of this point.

A grandfather is discussing with his grandson a tragedy that just occurred.
The grandfather says, “ I feel like I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One is an angry vengeful one and the other is a peaceful loving one.”
The grandson then asks,” Which one is going to win?”
The grandfather replies, “The one I feed.”

I recently viewed Al Gore’s latest talk on climate change which he presented at the TED Conference. I found another voice of optimism. While he layed out the disturbing environmental challenges before us and the crisis in democracy that we faced, he suggested that we reframe the challenge by seeing the challenge as one that motivates us to action. He urged one to reach inside of themselves to tap into a greatness that they never knew was possible. He went on to ask, “How many generations before us have had the opportunity to rise to a challenge that is worthy of our best efforts-a challenge that can pull from us more than we thought we could do?”

Imagine approaching your whole life in this way. What will the challenges be in the future that are worthy of your best efforts? Think of the challenges along the way that have helped you get to this point in your life; the challenges that have inspired you to surpass what you thought was possible.

I am sure you have experienced those moments when you have felt as if things weren’t happening fast enough-those moments when you doubted whether you were making a difference.

You might have even felt that things were hopeless or that you weren’t good enough. There’s that voice again. There’s always that voice-that voice of doubt- that limits what you think is possible in your life.

I know that voice well. Even when you are optimistic that voice creeps in and before you know it starts to take over. It’s powerful and has been reinforced by a lifetime of negative conditioning. Here’s what I do to try to become free of it. As soon as I notice that I am thinking negatively I catch myself by talking to that voice. In coaching we refer to that voice as our “gremlin.” I have even given my gremlin the name of Ralph. By talking to my gremlin I am able to break the seductive pattern that it has over me.

The sooner I am able to recognize Ralph, the sooner I can break the hypnotic spell that he has over me. I remind myself that this voice has nothing to do with what’s so. Once I break the spell I allow myself to think of other perspectives that empower me. In this way I reframe what I initially considered a problem into an opportunity.

I don’t think we can get enough inspiration in our life. We have to make a conscious effort to make this an integral part of our lives. When you are living an inspired life, its much easier to remain optimistic and to see the possibilities that surround you. You might even pick up the phone and call an old friend and engage in an inspiring conversation. Perhaps you’ll make time to read an inspiring book. And then there is that smile that goes a long way. Slow down, embrace the moment and take time to “smell the roses.”

Thank you for sharing Letters on Life with those in your circle. I love to hear from you. Let me know what’s going with you.

Journey On

Mark

JOURNEY ON is a blog dedicated to personal and professional development. Mark Susnow,JD, is an Executive and Life Coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former successful trial attorney for 30 years and musician, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He also publishes, Letters on Life, an inspirational ezine. Signup! http://www.inspirepossibility.com

As an executive and life coach it’s not unusual to hear about the same concerns from several different people.

Usually these concerns are about the future. Will I have a job next year is a common concern. So is will my business continue to grow? What happens frequently is that this concern affects how one lives today in two different ways.

The first is that people tend to conserve more and live closer to the vest. This is not necessarily a bad thing but it can be if you shut down and use it as an excuse not to live today fully.

The other is that their concern about the future tempers their experience of today. Instead of enjoying today they think about tomorrow. This gets in the way of their experience of the “now.”

For most people the future represents the unknown. We want certainty in an ever-changing world. Impossible! What has to happen is that we need to change our relationship to the unknown.

Think of the unknown as your friend. Instead of being anxious, be curious. When you do that you allow more room for possibilities. You might want to think about the many ways in which your business can grow. You might also wonder about how great your next relationship is going to be and what you’ll learn from that person. Instead of thinking that a particular relationship won’t develop think about the many ways it will develop. Your imagination is useful in creating the picture of the life you want. After all don’t we use our imagination when we worry. So here we use in a more constructive way.

The other thing you can do is to learn to be more in the moment. Be fully present. Eckart Tolle’s book “Power of Now,” is a great work that guides you in this endeavor. Meditation and practicing non-judgment are two things you can do to help you embrace this state of mind.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

THERE’S NO BETTER TIME THAN NOW. There will always be something that holds you back; an excuse to put your life on hold. JOURNEY ON is a blog dedicated to personal and professional development. Mark Susnow,JD, is an Executive and Life Coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former successful trial attorney for 30 years and musician, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He also publishes, Letters on Life, an inspirational ezine. Signup! http://www.inspirepossibility.com

When I’m on Kauai I usually go to a yoga class 4-5 times per week and I feel great. Upon returning to Marin I’m not as committed…my excuse being that there’s not a morning class that is at the right time.

I no longer have that excuse. There is an early morning class, M-W-F, that i have been going to. I’m feeling good. It’s certainly enough to keep my body out of pain and stiffness.

And there are others who don’t have a yoga practice, but go to the gym. They go just enough to get in the minimum amount of cardio and perhaps some stretching and or lifting.

We do the minimum to maintain. We justify it by reflecting upon articles by the American Heart Association that state that the minimal amount of exercise required for health is the same amount that we exercise.

When we have a health concern we give our body more attention. And then we go back to our maintenance program doing enough to get by.

Last night I didn’t feel like sleeping and my body felt like it wanted to be stretched. I gently eased into a few different yoga postures.

I had a thought. It feels good when we find our edge and go beyond. Learning about our body and its possibilities is a great to discover what our edge is. It’s the same edge that we experience in the rest of our lives. Where do we stop? What stops us?

Hopefully we experience a state that is beyond doing enough. That state is experienced when we want to practice yoga and go to the gym, not because we want to be out of pain, but because it feels good. Our body rather than being a source of stiffness and discomfort becomes a source of pleasure.

We want to get in good shape because it’s when we feel our best, rather than exercising to maintain our tone and keep the stiffness away.

What are you waiting for?

JOURNEY ON

MARK

THERE’S NO BETTER TIME THAN NOW. There will always be something that holds you back; an excuse to put your life on hold. JOURNEY ON is a blog dedicated to personal and professional development. Mark Susnow,JD, is an Executive and Life Coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former successful trial attorney for 30 years and musician, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He also publishes, Letters on Life, an inspirational ezine. Signup! http://www.inspirepossibility.com

In a life-coaching session recently I noticed that my client was using the word “overwhelm’ frequently. This was the first time that we had talked. I was curious as to what she meant when she used this word.

We all have an idea of what it means. And because we do the word has tremendous power.

By probing somewhat, we established that she used the word overwhelm interchangeably for what she described as a heightened level of anxiety.

I also asked her to describe her physical body sensations. After doing so she realized that she could describe these same bodily sensations in other ways. While overwhelm was certainly one possibility so was “excitement.” So was “curiousity.”

We agreed that for the next week she wouldn’t use the word “overwhelm.” There are certainly more empowering words that she could use. Once she begins to make them a part of her regular vocabularly, then a myriad of possibilities begins to show up.

To change the way you see life and to change your attitude change your language. Be curious as to the words you use that disempower you. Then begin to replace them with words and phrases that empower you.

What are some of the words that you use that seem to disempower you? What are some better choices?

Journey On

Mark

THERE’S NO BETTER TIME THAN NOW. There will always be something that holds you back; an excuse to put your life on hold. JOURNEY ON is a blog dedicated to personal and professional development. Mark Susnow,JD, is an Executive and Life Coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former successful trial attorney for 30 years and musician, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He also publishes, Letters on Life, an inspirational ezine. Signup! http://www.inspirepossibility.com

There’s nothing like old friends. There’s a synchronicity. You know each other in a way that no one else does. You’ve shared experiences at a time in your life when your life was much different. When I read Jim’s email that he and his wife, Fern, would be in town, I was excited. Jim and I were young lawyers in Marin many years ago searching to find our way. Jim suggested that we meet at Green’s, the vegetarian restaurant, run by the SF Zen Center.

As Annie and I drove over the Golden Gate Bridge on the way to the restaurant I felt a sense of freedom as I noticed the cyclists and walkers enjoying themselves. I was reminded of some of the wilderness hikes that Jim and I went on many years ago when our lives were much simpler. I casually remarked to Annie that I couldn’t believe that I had never walked across the bridge. “Someday I am going to do that,” I declared.

Our plan was to have a leisurely lunch before returning to Marin. As we got up to leave, Jim asked me for a favor. He wanted to know if on our return to Marin we could drop them off at the Vista Point on the Marin side of the bridge so that they could walk back.

Not only did we drop them off, we walked most of the way with them before turning back and heading home.

My relationship with Jim has been cultivated over many years. And there have been many other special relationships cultivated over the course of time. But as we know, nothing seems to stay the same.

In our mobile society relationships are always changing. Jim hasn’t been the only friend who has moved away. Think about how many of us have moved away from the place where we grew up.

Then there are those relationships that for some reason just don’t work out. You play it out until it’s time to move on. In other relationships a common need or interest, which bound you at one time, is no longer enough. Then there is the inevitable, which is, that a few good friends will have passed on. As my good friend Sylvi just said to me, “Friends come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.”

It’s a basic need that we want to feel connected to others. This is true whether it’s at home, in the work place or in our day-to-day experience of life. Although we want it, we don’t necessarily know how to create it in our life especially when we don’t have that history or story to share.

The good news is that we have an awareness and set of skills that we didn’t possess many years ago. Connecting is not a matter of time. It happens in an instant when you connect with your whole being rather than just your intellect. I am sure you have had the experience of meeting someone and it seemed as if you had always known them. That can occur more frequently.

Once you have an intention to create more conection in your life, a shift happens. The question then becomes, as it is with many people that I work with in coaching, is what can I do to create more connection in my life?

Connection begins with you. It’s connecting with your higher power. It’s discovering your authentic self. Meditation is the pathway that I have chosen to this connection.

Then by expressing gratitude for the connection that is already in your life, you see yourself in a new way; a way that acknowledges a deeper truth, which is that it’s your innate nature to be connected. As your day progresses think of yourself as a connected being wondering about who you will be connecting with next. You will be amazed as to what happens.

I’m not saying you’ll connect with everyone. But there is a myth about connection that needs to be dispelled. Connecting with someone doesn’t take any more time, but does requires you to be more mindful of the present moment. It’s being curious about the other person and suspending judgment as to who you think they are.

Connection is a path and like most paths, there are going to be obstacles and challenges. You need to become aware of what these are before you can overcome them. The biggest obstacle and challenge for many of us is that we have not learned to be “active listeners.” Think about our “normal” conversations. Quite often it’s just an exchange of information. Rather than being in the present, we think about how to respond to what is being said. Before we know it we are thinking about something that happened to us many years ago that was triggered by what was said in the conversation. No wonder we never get who the other person is.

Another challenge is that we are invested in having to be right. We always try to get in the last word. Tell the truth-does that tendency sound familiar? Being right and connecting don’t go together! No matter how much work we have done on ourselves, we still have a little bit of the “being right’ in us.

It’s a basic belief of mine that connection can be cultivated. Before I got into coaching I was a decent connector when I wanted to be, but I don’t think it was one of my strenghts. That changed during my first coaching relationship. Pat gave me a whole new way to look at connection that has been instrumental in my having the awareness that I do now. When having a conversation with a prospective client, think about connecting with that person first,” he would often say. “And if you make the connection, then it’s a win-win situation for both of you without anything else needing to be said.”

The ability to connect with others opens up a whole new world. It transcends stereotypes and judgments, which creates fertile ground for new dialogue. A dialogue not constrained by history, but open to common ground for a consciousness of cooperation and togethernress. It’s up to us to create the world we envision. Let us join as one. Please feel free to share this message with those in your circle. This was also published as part of my Letters on Life series.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

THERE’S NO BETTER TIME THAN NOW. There will always be something that holds you back; an excuse to put your life on hold. JOURNEY ON is a blog dedicated to personal and professional development. Mark Susnow,JD, is an Executive and Life Coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former successful trial attorney for 30 years and musician, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He also publishes, Letters on Life, an inspirational ezine. Signup! http://www.inspirepossibility.com

Deep friendships take years to nurture and develop and often go through many transitions but not always. Think about the friends in your life. How much time do you actually spend with them? Would you like to spend more time with them? Why aren’t you doing it?

Unless we make friends a priority it’s difficult to deepen them. We’ll always be busy with other things and think that we don’t have time to get together. And with our mobile society, we find ourselves in new situations that weren’t as common years ago.

This is not a bad thing and is ripe with many opportunities to explore. With the new people we come in contact with we don’t have a history or story to share. Because of this we live more in the present moment and together develop a common ground to explore.

Connection has become a priority in my life. There is nothing more satisfying than meeting someone and knowing that there is a soul connection. Not a whole lot needs to be said. And when it is said you know you are being heard.

You think to yourself that you are in the presence of a kindred soul. This type of experience has become more common in my life. It makes me think at times that on some level we are all kindred souls trying to find each other.

We won’t be able to recognize this phenomenon when we are looking in all of the wrong places. Our journey is to discard the baggage that prevents us from experiencing who we really are. And once we are able to tune into ourselves on a much deeper level, we are able to tune into that place in others. In yoga the expression to describe this knowing is NAMASTE.

The bigger question is what can we do to access this deeper level. I think what you hear about today is to be authentic…I use to call it “being real”…Only when we’re true to ourselves can we recognize that truth in others.

As we constantly evolve we’re able to access more of our true nature. We raise our vibration and attract other kindred spirits who are on the same path. We are all in this together. We want more connection in our life. Connecting with a power greater than ourself is the first step.

In the April edition of my newsletter, Letters on Life, I discuss in more detail what we can do to cultivate connection in our lives. You can sign up for it on this page.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

THERE’S NO BETTER TIME THAN NOW. There will always be something that holds you back; an excuse to put your life on hold. JOURNEY ON is a blog dedicated to personal and professional development. Mark Susnow,JD, is an Executive and Life Coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former successful trial attorney for 30 years and musician, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He also publishes, Letters on Life, an inspirational ezine. Signup! http://www.inspirepossibility.com