But first a little history. There was that time when my focus was on finding the one. You know, Mr Right or Mrs Right. And then I met the one who I thought was the one, who was ready and willing and I started to freak out. I had been single for so long and so used to searching that I didn’t know what to do. Well I got over it and over 20 years has gone by.

Let me share with you 11 guiding principles to deeper intimacy:

1.Be respectful of your partner. You better think of your partner as someone who is pretty special and like who they are as a person.

2. Recognize each other’s strengths. Each of you has certain strengths and gifts. Utilize them to the benefit of the relationship.

3. Have you really made a full commitment? So many couples use every fight as a weapon to challenge the strength of the relationship. If you are really committed you cannot keep challenging the relationship.

4. Commitment to personal growth. Don’t think because you are in that “relationship” that you can stop working on yourself. For a while that was my thinking. When you stop growing you get boring and so does your partner and everything you are involved in. Growth is a lifelong process whether you are alone or with a partner.

5. You need to be flexible. Life evolves and things changes. As you change so does your partner and everything around you.

6. Develop a personal support system, independent of the relationship. Life is not a bowl of cherries, sometime you get a bad pit or a sour taste. In a long term relationship you will experience several challenges. It can be a financial setback, an illness, a loss of a loved one or a personal tragedy.

7. Have or develop a sense of humor, but not necessarily at the expense of your partner.

8. See relationships as a sacred path. In the process you’ll discover more about yourself than anything else you can do.

9. Learn how to deeply listen to each other, which means caring about what your partner longs for.

10. Create a safe vehicle or environment so that you can have authentic and honest discussions around potentially challenging subjects. Have you had a honest discussion regarding your finances? Do you have a financial plan that can work for both of you? Are you mutually responsible for the implementation of this plan?

11. Choose a partner who is capable of mutuality. Perhaps most important is whether your partner can make the commitment. Are they emotionally available?

What about you? Where do you shut down? Are there things in your life, that you refuse to look at? They’re usually are. And that’s our work.

So there it is.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Then he became immersed in his career, got married and began a family. In the process he forgot who he was. At this time in his life, the quest for knowledge and the meaning of life is just a memory.

In our life coaching sessions, I have been trying to get Carl to get in touch with who he was as a young man, since he was excited then. Carl knows what he has to do, but he is so engrained with his life and the habits that go along with making his career work, he can’t break away from work and make the investment of time and energy necessary to explore that world world that is waiting for him to show up.

Carl has very few interests other than his career. He knows it and wants to regain that passion he once had. But there was nothing that seemed to excite him.

As a start I suggested that he read through the local adult education programs at the local schools. I told him that right now what was most important was making the commitment. It’s like reading a book. You can’t get into the emotion of it until you’re read a few chapters.

His homework is to commit to taking one course during the next session. He’s agreed to it. It doesn’t matter if you’re not excited initially. That will come. What’s important is to get the energy moving. As part of your research and development to know yourself better, take the next step. Perhaps it’s not taking a course. It could be calling someone you have been thinking about but haven’t yet reached out to.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He is the author of, Dancing on the River…Navigating Life’s Changes.

Now think about what you want to accomplish. What changes will you have to put into place to make it become a reality? I guess I’ve asked a lot of questions. Questions are powerful and are probably the most effective way to shift your focus. If you notice I am assuming that for you to live the life you really want that you will have to make some changes in your life. Let’s explore this concept.

If you are thinking about lack and limitation ask yourself what questions you are asking yourself. Usually you aren’t even aware of what they are. For example, if you have had a few disappointments in business you might be asking yourself how things can get worse, or what else can go wrong.

When you are in a downward spiral use empowering questions to change the spiral. For example again using the few disappointments scenario an empowering question might be: I wonder who my next client will be or what my next project will be? Or you might ask yourself this question. How does it get better than this? So you begin to think of solutions rather than problems. You’re curious and begin to develop a mindset that is attractive and resourceful.

How you frame your life determines your life because it is a fundamental law of the universe that what you focus on expands. CHANGE YOUR THINKING–CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Let me give you a few examples from my own life and from those close to me. Here we go.

My son graduated from college and grad school, only to be greeted by a labor market that as we all know is currently restricted. At times he gets discouraged. I suggested to him, rather than being discouraged, to be curious as to the work environment in which he will be involved in during the next few years and to be curious about the nature of the industry. Also to be curious as to whom he will meet during this period. In the process he can look forward to this period in his life with much anticipation and curiosity. Who knows you can meet some lifelong friends or lifelong partners.

For example: I remember my brother’s first job—it took him a while to get it—he had gone on many interviews prior to landing it. Fortunately he didn’t get these other jobs because a whole chain of events occurred at the next job that changed the course of his life. It was there that he met his wife and mother of his three children. Life has a way of surprising us that quite often we can’t anticipate.

A spur of a moment trip to Colorado many years ago, led to my meeting my wife. Had I not taken that trip, I wouldn’t have met her. And the number of things that had to fall in place were numerous for me to end up there. You never know how it’s going to unfold. Stay in the game.

As we stay open to possibilities, synchronicity becomes the norm rather than the infrequent occurrence.

Journey On

Mark

What I find interesting is that when one worries, they imagine the worst case scenario. Think about it for a second. Imagine something that you worry about. If nothing comes to you, stay with me here as I’ll share with you a situation that is real common with some of my life coaching clients. They overly concern themselves with money. They project into the future that they will run out of money. If things are going well, they worry that it won’t stay that way. And if things aren’t going well, they worry that they’ll even get even worse.

When one worries they have a strong belief that they can predict the future. Quite often that worry is just a habit that has been with us for a long time. The truth is that we don’t really know what’s going to happen down the road. But we have a need to know, so we latch onto something which is familiar…a familiar emotion that’s been with us most of our life.

The first step in breaking free of this emotion, is realizing that you can’t predict the future. No one can. Once you accept that and become comfortable with “not knowing,” you can play more with your imagination and imagine a future scenario that is greater than anything you can imagine right now.

Being curious as to what that scenario is a fun exploration. Try it and see what happens. I’m excited about my book, Dancing on the River—Navigating Life’s Changes. I’m curious as to what it will lead to. I’m curious as to who I will meet in the process of letting people know about my book. I’m comfortable with not knowing. I’m curious as to what I’ll learn about myself.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. Mark’s new book, Dancing on the River…Navigating Life’s Changes will

It is my hope that by integrating the following six insights and practices into your life, you will know what it means to be Dancing on the River.

1.How you start your day sets the tone for the day. If you start the day in a hurry it will be extremely difficult to slow down. Most of us rush out of the house in the morning trying to make an appointment or deadline. Underneath the concern that we won’t be able to get it all done is an underlying anxiety that won’t go away.
You sometimes wish you had a magic wand that could make things better. Although there is no magic wand, there is a morning practice that can minimize much of that anxiety. After you wake up and before you do anything else, take 10-15 minutes for reflection. Perhaps you already have a meditation practice. If you don’t, just sit still in a quiet place and pay attention to your breath.
After meditation begin to focus on what you are grateful for. Perhaps there are only a few things that you can think of in the beginning, but once you make this a daily practice, you realize how blessed you are. By focusing on what you are grateful for, your focus shifts to what’s right in your life, rather than on what’s wrong. It’s an amazing practice, which has the power to transform your life.

2. Develop the practice of Curiosity. I didn’t realize how powerful of a concept this could be until I integrated it into my life. Here’s what I suggest to get you going. In the morning, after expressing gratitude, reflect upon your day wondering about what the highlight of your day might be. By being curious as to what that is, you’ll create a positive expectation as the day progresses. No matter what is happening in your life, rather than worrying about the outcome, be curious as to how it is all going to unfold. By being curious, you’re also open to those pleasant surprises—those moments of grace that uplift your spirit.

3. Learn how to recognize and know your VOJ. The VOJ is that voice of judgment that drives you nuts. You know it. We all do. You would give anything to silence it even if just for a few minutes. The sooner that you can recognize your VOJ, the sooner you can become free of the hypnotic spell that can last a lifetime if you don’t do anything about it. But the doing is a different type of doing. It’s just noticing. I have found that giving this voice a name has been effective in breaking the spell that it has over me. I call my VOJ, Ralph. This is a lifelong challenge so don’t be discouraged if you don’t notice anything immediately.

4. Self-Acceptance is the next practice. Let’s be honest with ourselves. There are certain things we can’t change about ourselves. We can’t change who are parents are. We can’t change our country of origin. We can’t change all of the injustices in the world, although we might try. But we do have the potential to change how we think about ourselves and how we think about the circumstances of our lives. Even though, we are our own worst critics at times, our work is to accept those things that we don’t like about ourselves—that dark side often referred to as our “shadow.” Once you accept those things about yourself that you don’t like or are embarrassed by, you will feel lighter and freer. 
And isn’t that what it’s all about–becoming lighter.

5. Introduce positive self-talk into the conversation. Now that you are more familiar with those voices and patterns that have been running your life, it’s time to listen to a new voice that needs to be nurtured and cultivated. It’s a voice if honored and respected can change how you think about yourself. I call this voice your VIP. It’s the voice of Inspiration and Praise that we don’t listen to, or hear enough. That voice has become my inner champion. When I think that I shouldn’t have felt the way I did about something that happened, or that I shouldn’t have acted in a certain way, my VIP sends me a few words of encouragement, by saying to me, “you’re doing great. You handled that well.”

It takes conscious effort and resolve to cultivate your VIP. As you learn to trust and listen to it, how you feel about your life shifts.

6. Make time for the Jollies. So here we are again with another new phrase. No I haven’t lost my mind. 
We all have faced our share of challenges that at times seems overwhelming. Even so, there are many things that have given us joy at one time or the other. They might be little things that we have forgotten about.
The Jollies is taking the time to do what gives you joy. So when I say make time for the jollies–I mean make time for what gives you “joy,”
 even if you still have loose ends in your life and your “to do” list is full. It took me a while to figure this out, but there will always be “loose ends” and uncertainty. If you always wait for the perfect time to begin something new, you will never begin. The only perfect time is now.

So there you have it—There’s only one thing left to do. Enjoy the journey and make it an exciting adventure. of discovery. This blog has been adapted from my forthcoming book, Dancing on the River, which will be released on May 1st.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

His first pearl was to take everything in stride. Don’t let your emotions run your life. Too often we overreact to events in our lives, especially if they are negative. We start to wonder if these sequence of events will ever end. We start to imagine the worst case scenarios occurring.

2. Then Carl said the following in his own voice. Happiness is an inside job. There’s nothing out there that will give you lasting happiness. Sure it might make you happy for a while, but it won’t last. Happiness is also a decision that you make in the moment over and over again. It’s a choice that is not dependent on future events or circumstances that might happen or not happen.

3. Nobody can do it for you. Ultimately you know yourself better than anyone else does. You have to decide. You might have to go against the grain and go out on a limb. But that’s what is needed at times.

Keep thinking about what’s true for you. Most likely it will change from time to time.

You can’t obtain wisdom unless you make time for the inner work. Les has resistance to sitting down and taking time for reflection. He rather talk with others and ask them for the answers. But he keeps asking the same questions and doesn’t like what the answers are, so he asks the next person. As a result, he spends his time managing one crisis after another. This cycle never stop and it won’t unless Les sits down and gets to know himself.

He’ll blame his wife, the economy, or his genetics, among other things, for his predicament. Les is the exception. I’ve worked with many individuals who have transformed their lives. They realized that happiness is the result of a life decision to be happy in this moment that they make over and over again. They realize that there is a direct correlation with how they start day and the quality of their life. With that in mind they sit down and meditate before starting their day. I’ve seen it in my own life and with countless others.

There’s no one to blame. You are the answer.

So that was the history of our relationship when I received Carl’s call last week. He reminded me of our conversation and said he was ready to begin life coaching with me and face the issues he was avoiding.

What I have seen as a life coach is that what Carl was doing was blaming other people for his problems. In his case, he was blaming his boss for his unhappiness. For many this is a life-long habit. I think of it as the “only if syndrome.” If only the circumstances of my life were different, I would be happy. If only the boss would leave the company, I could be happy. If only I met the one, I would be happy. If only and it goes on and on. There is no better time than now to be happy. But the real question is whether you are ready to let it in. After all, you would have to take responsibility for your happiness. You would have to stop complaining. Be grateful for your life. It’s the only you have.

JOURNEY ON

MARK