In a life coaching session this morning, with let’s call him Chuck, we took a look at the common patterns that were running his life.
Let me tell you a little bit about Chuck. He is a lawyer who was involved in litigation. He was feeling victimized by the other lawyer and by the Judge. As he was telling me about what was going on he was obviously stressed. He had difficulty in sleeping. He felt attacked, misunderstood and angry.

Do Chuck’s patterns seem familiar to you? In interactions with other people, how many times do you feel attacked and misunderstood? How many times do you that you have been defensive?

Let’s take a look at how Chuck reacted to see if we would have reacted in the same way. When the other parties to the lawsuit disagreed with Chuck, he took it personally. We all do that. What about you? How many times do you take it personally when someone disagrees with you? Perhaps you don’t feel respected.

Let’s get a little bit deeper into Chuck’s psyche. There is no question that Chuck likes being a lawyer, but the heat of the moment triggered all of the negative voices that were trying to run his life. In fact they were. Chuck started thinking that he wasn’t a good lawyer and that he mishandled the situation. We all tend to go there. We think we’re inadequate. We’re not good enough. That voice in coaching we refer to as our gremlin. That gremlin is the voice of judgment that drives us crazy. You know it well.

I suggested to Chuck that he separate his gremlin from the rest of his life. I suggested that he give that gremlin a name. I call mine Ralph.
Once we see the gremlin just as a voice and not who we are, the power it has over us, dissipates.

Finally I suggested to Chuck that he shift his thinking to look at his work as fun. He likes it and in fact loves it at times. It’s a radical concept and yet so simple. Declare yourself by simply stating that “this is fun. I’m having a good time.” It’s up to each of us. I call this shift in attitude Dancing on the River. Which is a consciousness that is a reflection of a life decision to be happy in the moment that we make over and over again.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He is the author of, Dancing on the River:Navigating Life’s Changes.

There were so many times when I could have said it sooner and better. I wanted to connect but I didn’t know how and I knew it. There was a part of me that was shy. I was comfortable expressing myself nonverbally through music and sports; but words were what was needed, if I wanted to have successful personal relationships. So I was motivated to learn all I could about becoming a better communicator.

I took workshops, read all I could, and gradually noticed that I was beginning to connect on a deeper level. This was true, whether it was in my personal or professional life. But no matter how skillful I became, there was always that conversation I avoided having. Regardless of what the circumstances were, there was always someone with whom I avoided having a conversation. As a lawyer I had my share of them. As a coach I have found that this is a universal problem.

In almost every situation between two people there is a “conversation” that can begin the healing process. This conversation can show up anywhere in your life, but usually it shows up at home with your loved ones or in the workplace.

If you don’t communicate what’s on your mind the situation only becomes worse. It won’t go away. That’s the way it was for me. I was the classic avoider. When I first began practicing law I shared office space with Sean. For many years we were very close, like brothers, but our relationship began to change. Sean started to distance himself and seemed to shut down whenever he was around me. Even though I was aware of this happening, I didn’t say anything because I was afraid that what Sean might say would be hurtful. Our conversations remained cordial, yet superficial, and eventually we stopped communicating and went our separate ways.

I lost touch with Sean. When I had a chance encounter with Sean approximately 20 years later, I got to have that conversation. After a busy day of running errands in an obscure place I noticed an attorney’s office. I walked inside and there was Sean. It was a special moment for both of us. I told Sean how special he had been in my life and how hurt and disappointed I had been when we drifted apart. Sean shared his journey with me. He said he had to hit bottom, and as part of that process, he pushed everyone away. I thought I was the only one.

For many years I had felt that it was because of me that the relationship had broken down. The truth was that it had nothing to do with me. Sometimes having these conversations is a risk. I certainly felt that way walking into Sean’s office, but I’m glad I did. I spoke my truth. We both understood what it was that at one time had connected us. We also understood why we were now walking different paths.

Probably the most fertile ground for having these conversations is with your significant other or a family member. Prior to meeting my wife, Annie, I was in an unsatisfactory relationship for three years with someone else. I accepted the circumstances of the relationship because I didn’t want to confront the truth, which was that we wanted different things from life. I wanted to have a family and she said she wasn’t sure. I didn’t press it, because I didn’t want to find out what she really wanted, which was not to have a family. I also didn’t want to be alone. But the truth was that even though I was in a relationship with her, I felt alone.

If I had been willing to face the truth, it would have been easier to have had that conversation. Instead, I avoided it for three years. Finally things came to a head and we had that conversation. If I had been more truthful with myself and had faced my fear of being alone, I would have had that conversation much sooner.

I know most of you have had similar experiences. Rather than finding out what’s really going on, you avoid having the conversation. All that does is prolong the tension and stifle any real communication.

Four Suggestions That Will Impact Your Ability to Engage in Difficult Conversations

1. Whenever you feel conflict or tension in a relationship, make the commitment to have a conversation about it. Think of a potential conflict as an opportunity to deepen the connection. Look at it this way: Conflict=Opportunity.
I know that I’m simplifying it and I also know that it’s true. It’s a powerful concept. Rather than running
away, look for what’s possible. See this opportunity as a gift.

2. Be strategic. Think of a supportive place and time when you think the other person will be more receptive to what you have to say. If it’s a workplace issue, if at all possible have the conversation away from the workplace.

3. Don’t make the other person wrong. You might be wondering how you can let someone know that his or her way of doing things conflicts with your way without being
critical of them. This is where you get to develop your expertise. Once you become critical of another
person, their natural reaction will be to defend themselves and in the process most likely find fault with
you. They’ll never find out what your needs are or how the problem might be resolved. It’s also important to remember they might not even be aware of how their actions have impacted you.

4. Start the conversation with an observation. With Sean the following conversation would have been revealing, “Sean, I feel like you are pulling away from me. Did I do something that offended you? Are you ok?” That conversation would have made me aware that the distancing
that I was experiencing wasn’t because of me. With my girlfriend I could have had the following conversation much sooner. “We’ve been together for a while now and I really want to have a family. I’m not sure you want the same thing. What do you really want?” Simple, yet scary. You have to ask the questions even if you think the answers might be painful. Having the conversation is an art form. It
might seem awkward at first, but you’ll have plenty of opportunity to practice because these situations keep coming up. They are part of living. If you don’t address what’s bothering you, the problem won’t miraculously go away. I have a challenge for you:

With whom can you have that conversation and when will you have it?

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He is the author of, Dancing on the River:Navigating Life’s Changes.

For the last ten years I have had the luxury to think about the human process. As a life coach that’s what I do. I get to listen to others share their challenges and to share in their triumphs. We’re all on this journey together. From this work together I have had the opportunity to become clear on some of the bigger challenges that we all face. It seems that no matter what we do or what we think about, we experience doubt to some degree.

We can’t wait for that perfect time when there seems to be nothing in the way. If we did we wouldn’t be doing anything except waiting. Living with doubt is empowering because it keeps us on our toes. It gives us that edge that makes us feel alive. Unfortunately too often we let doubt stop us and prevent us from taking that next step in our life.

Doubt can drive you nuts at times and cause you much anxiety, but over time it doesn’t throw you off course as much. Perhaps you’ll get to that place in your life when the doubt is minimized or barely perceptible. But to eliminate all doubt before taking the next step will result in a life that is unexplored and unfulfilled.

Think about your life and how you have let doubt stop you in the past. How would your life have been different if you went for it? What’s preventing you from going for it now? Having doubt also indicates that you are thoughtful and insightful. It prepares you for the unexpected and unpredictable. In the long run it is what makes you more successful and fulfilled.

Be thankful for your doubt but don’t let it stop you.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He is the author of, Dancing on the River…Navigating Life’s Changes.

In a life coaching session yesterday, my client, let’s call him Carl, asked me, “You mean I can be happy even though I have these money problems?” Another client, asked me the following: “You mean I can be happy even though I have these relationship problems?”

My response to Carl was the following. You can be happy and still have money problems. And I told the other client that he could be happy and still have his relationship problems.

Problems come and go. If we make our happiness or fulfillment dependent on the cycles of our lives, our emotions will go up and down like a yo-yo.

Rather than making our feelings of satisfaction and fulfillment contingent on getting rid of circumstances that bother us, make a decision to be happy in the moment. Yes you have to make this decision over and over again. It will take a conscious effort.

Dancing on the River, is a consciousness that is a reflection of a life decision to be happy in the moment that you make over and over again. Yes—you can be happy and your relationship has things that need to be worked out. Yes you can be happy and still have money concerns.

It’s not about being perfect but being human. We’re emotional beings. We’re irrational at times. We do the best we can under the circumstances.

There’s nothing you need to do. Most of us want to be happy. There’s nothing out there that will make you feel that way. It’s easier than you think. Try it. It starts with being grateful for your life.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He is the author of, Dancing on the River…Navigating Life’s Changes.

I recently was invited to give a talk to a group about my new book and what it means to be Dancing on the River of your life. If you have been reading this blog, you know that it is a consciousness that is a reflection of a life decision to be happy in the moment that you make to be happy over and over again.

In the Q and A afterwards, many pointed out that this was a challenge for them because there was too much pain in their lives. They had been traumatized by events that they have never gotten over. And so often in their everyday living they saw too much suffering in the world.

That is the challenge that we all face. We all have been traumatized by life to various degrees and some of us are more sensitive to these events than others. Our physiology and nervous systems are unique, some more fragile than others.

So how do we find joy in the midst of a somewhat chaotic and sometimes unfair world? That is the challenge we all face. How can we see the light when we are surrounded by darkness. How can we experience joy when there is so much suffering?

In this blog, I want to give you a starting point and I’m not saying to forget the traumatic events of the past. We don’t ever get over them. But we can learn to accept and make peace with them. Many years ago I was privileged to meet a spiritual teacher from India who had taken a vow of silence for 39 years. When asked if he had learned how to be totally present with life, he answered, “NO.” Most of us present in that room were surprised. But he did say that he had learned to make peace with it.

That’s all we can do–make peace and accept all of life. We grieve for the pain in our lives and in the world, but at some point we have to go on with our lives. And what I mean by going on with our lives, is to allow ourselves to experience the joy and blessings that are so abundant when we allow ourselves to remain open to these experiences.

Often it is said that pain builds character. That is true and it also expands our capacity to experience joy. Joy and sorrow come from the same well. As we experience more, our hearts open and we embrace all of life.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He is the author of, Dancing on the River…Navigating Life’s Changes.

In the last blog we discussed one of the biggest challenges that we face which is having a difficult conversation. Rather than having it, we avoid it until it becomes unbearable. Resentment builds up and we carry that resentment around with us. It’s like going through life with twenty pound weights tied around our feet.

Another big challenge that we face, at least those who I work with as their life coach, is the erroneous belief that when what is bothering us goes away, there will be smooth sailing.

You know that one. “Only if” this person wasn’t in my life, my life would be better. You could be in a bad relationship, or you could have an ongoing conflict with someone in the work place. You leave or they leave and you feel better for a little while until the next problem occurs.

The “only if syndrome” shows up in many different forms. I’m sure you know them, especially this one. If business picks up, the pressure will be off. It usually is for awhile and then you have new concerns. You have to fulfill the requirements of the increased business and then you worry about next year or the next slump. I can guarantee you one thing. If you tend to worry, there will always be something to worry about. As I have written in Dancing on the River, happiness is a reflection of a life decision that you make to be happy in the moment over and over again. Once you make this decision, your life will become one of adventure rather than one of struggle.

Be grateful for all of the blessings in your life. Focus on what’s right, rather than on what is wrong.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He is the author of, Dancing on the River…Navigating Life’s Changes.

Most of us have good ideas and intentions. The challenge is to carry them out to fruition. As a writer I’m always thinking of new ways to communicate my everyday experience of life, just like a comedian is thinking of the humor in that same experience and the musician thinks of the rhythm that he or she is feeling.

With that in mind, I began writing more often. Each day I would chronicle my insights and experiences that I thought would be interesting to share. But like a lot of good ideas, not all of them are carried out to completion.

It seems as if many of the people with whom I work as a life coach have the same challenge. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s one of your challenges too. As a result we stop short of really getting to know something. We don’t get to experience that depth of understanding.

We resist being in the moment. Our mind detracts us from whatever we are doing. “There is something else we could be doing” we think to ourselves. Or we might be thinking, “why am I here, I don’t want to do this.”

What you are experiencing in form or the other is what I call resistance. Overcoming resistance is one of the biggest challenge that we all face. It shows up in so many aspects of our lives. It’s only when we go deeper that we can experience those magical moments. Let me give you an example.

I was looking forward to going to yoga this morning but at the last minute thought about bagging it before I left the house. But i didn’t and went to class. It took a while before settling in and being present. I felt great after class. That was just one experience, but it is that thought process that occurs in almost everything we do.

During the class I had so many thoughts about just letting it go and not being there. It’s that duality that we all experience. We are physically present at a particular place..doing something…yet at the same time our mind is some other place. And with all of the latest technology, it makes the problem even greater. As soon as it’s feasible, one brings out their cell phones.

That’s what I’m working on–being totally present…I think that’s what charisma is all about. People who we perceive as charismatic have that ability to be present and to exhibit presence. Think of it in another way. What is presence? Being present.

It’s something you can work on and develop. In a subsequent blog we’ll talk about a few things that can help you develop this quality.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He is the author of, Dancing on the River…Navigating Life’s Changes, in which many of these ideas are discussed.

For the last ten years I have had the luxury to think about the human process. Not only have I had the opportunity to observe my own process, I have been privileged to meet thousands of people who are seeking to better understand their lives so that their life can become one of joy rather than struggle.

What I have seen is that living with doubt is one of the biggest challenges we all face. Too often we let doubt stop us and prevent us from taking that next step in our life. We focus on what might go wrong and as a result stay stuck in our comfort zone.

No matter what we do, we are going to experience doubt to some extent. Many of us experience this as fear or anxiety. We don’t like it and will do anything to avoid it.

We have a strong desire to get to that place in our lives where the doubt is minimized or barely perceptible. But to eliminate all doubt before taking the next step will result in a life that is unexplored and unfulfilled. It leads to a life that is predictable and routine. Mediocrity becomes the norm.

Change your perspective and think of doubt in a different way. Doubt is a reminder that you are thoughtful and insightful. It creates an edge that is exciting which prepares you for the unexpected and unpredictable. In the long run it leads to a more fulfilling and successful life. It allows you to get in touch with your passion.

Be thankful for your doubt but don’t let it stop you.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. Mark’s new book, Dancing on the River…Navigating Life’s Changes will be released May 25, 2010.

Imagine you’re in a rut. Every time you look out you see the same thing. You see a mountain. You know if you climb the mountain things will look different. As you climb higher you are able to see more. In the last blog, I talked about trying a different approach to reach the pinnacle of that mountain.

Personal Development is like that. You have to be open to change. The more open you are the higher you can go. Eventually you’ll get near the top and what you see expands you.

When you reach the peak your view is unlimited. You look in every direction and your view is unobstructed. You consider things you’ve never thought were possible. You’re confidence is at an all time high. You experience a magic and excitement. You’re looking forward to what’s next.

But it doesn’t stay that way. You come back down and return to the starting point— well not exactly the starting point because you’ll never see things the way you did before you began the journey. You had a glimpse–a glimpse that keeps you going even in the darkest moments.

That glimpse lets you know what is possible and you gratefully accept the challenge. It also prepares you for the next challenge; a new mountain that you can’t even imagine at this time. It’s only when looking back you realize how far you’ve come.

I invite you to read my new book Dancing on the River. It’s a guide into unknown territory. After reading it, you’ll be more comfortable with “not knowing” what the future holds. You might even feel that the unknown is your friend.

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. Mark’s new book, Dancing on the River…Navigating Life’s Changes will be released May 22, 2010.

Who is in control of your life? Many of us are control freaks. We like to control what we do, who are friends are and how we spend our time. We are also led to believe that we create our reality. If that isn’t control then I don’t what is. This theme is a common thread with many of the people with whom I work with as both their executive and life coach.

Let me tell you about what came up with let’s call her, Susie, one of my life coaching clients. Susie, a brilliant professional woman, was extremely frustrated in her job. She was used to having her life exactly the way she wanted and creating success in whatever she did. However she had reached the point in her life when she felt more and more that her job did not fully engage her. Not only that but she found herself working harder and making less. She often wondered why she was there and what her alternatives were.

Up until recently she had felt that she had created a great life and was proud of it; a great family, success in her career and enthusiasm for living. Because she now felt at a crossroads she began to feel like a victim of circumstances. After all she was affected by the macro economic conditions, she thought to herself.

That raises the bigger question for all of us as to who is really in control of our lives. Is it our thoughts? Is it our habits? Or are we controlled by forces that we are unaware of?

When our habits control our lives, we pretty much go unconscious and our choices seem limited. Becoming more conscious is beginning the process of discovering how our habits run our life.

Be conscious. Be aware of how you get plugged in. Noticing is the first step in taking back your life. Notice when you get frustrated. Don’t try to figure it. For your curiosity there is a self assessment test on my website that takes under three minutes to do.

Journey On