Things change. You have to prepare yourself so that you can flow with these changes. The average person today has six or seven careers. The divorce rate is high. Friendships change. You might have a falling out, someone might move away, or pass on. And of course there are health challenges along the way. Let us not forget about the physiological changes that occur during the aging process. The currents of the river are constantly changing; they are affected by many unforeseen forces. You can’t live your life being afraid of these changes, because by avoiding them you are not really living.

What worked at one time in your life might not work at another time. Rather than developing career skills, you neeed to develop life skills that will enable you to thrive in any situation.

Living a successful and fulfilling life is not an accident. Successful people have goals and dreams. They have faith. They know that at the darkest moment there will be a light that illuminates their path. They know that they are no alone and that there is a power greater than they are. When they live from their center, they have access to this power.

Life happens. There are some things we can’t control. The meaning we give to what happens is a choice. Saying yes to life and dancing on the river is also a choice. Enjoy the dance.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

You get the idea. I call it the “if only syndrome.” If only my circumstances were different, my life would be better. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about and perhaps too well. We postpone our happiness thinking that an unknown future will be better than the life we have now. Chances are if you are unhappy now, you’ll be unhappy in the future. You take it with you. Circumstances might make you feel better for a moment, but that feeling of relief won’t last very long.

I am a firm believer that happiness is a decision that you make to be happy in the moment over and over again.It eventually becomes a consciousness. What I call Dancing on the River is a reflection of this consciousness.

So what I’m saying and do say over and over again to my life coaching clients and to many of my friends is that you can be happy and still have those money worries. You can be happy and still have those relationship concerns. They won’t go away for very long. And there will always be a new one to replace them.

There you have it. Happiness is not about circumstances. It’s about you and your willingness to declare your determination to be joyful. It’s not in the future. It’s now! So go for it.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

We can’t wait for that perfect time when there seems to be nothing in the way. If we did we wouldn’t be doing anything except waiting. Living with doubt is empowering because it keeps us on our toes. It gives us that edge that makes us feel alive. Unfortunately too often we let doubt stop us and prevent us from taking that next step in our life.

Doubt can drive you nuts at times and cause you much anxiety, but over time it doesn’t throw you off course as much. Perhaps you’ll get to that place in your life when the doubt is minimized or barely perceptible. But to eliminate all doubt before taking the next step will result in a life that is unexplored and unfulfilled.

Think about your life and how you have let doubt stop you in the past. How would your life have been different if you went for it? What’s preventing you from going for it now? Having doubt also indicates that you are thoughtful and insightful. It prepares you for the unexpected and unpredictable. In the long run it is what makes you more successful and fulfilled.

Be thankful for your doubt but don’t let it stop you.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Yet connecting with another is one of the greatest challenges that we all face; a challenge worthy of our best efforts. It comes up everyday in the work that I do. The following is an excerpt from Dancing on the River.

Sometimes telling a story is the best way to describe the feeling. There is that moment when you feel touched by another person and your heart is wide open.

You’re on the way to the airport. You get on the plane with a book that you’ve been planning to read for quite some time. As you open your book you glance at the person next to you. A few minutes later you’re asked a question and you reluctantly answer. You lower your book a bit to be polite and after a few minutes you find yourself putting your book down and engaging in a conversation, although with a lack of enthusiasm. And then the person next to you, let’s call him John, makes an observation about you that’s quite perceptive and sensitive. You start to become curious about who John is and in the course of the conversation, he tells you about an experience he has only shared with a few people. You let John know that you have had a similar experience. By now you’re totally engaged and listening to every word he says. You notice every nuance in the inflection of his voice and in the way he moves. Time seems to stand still and the next thing you know the plane lands. You say goodbye to the kindred soul you have just met. You’ll always be connected.

You now know what’s possible. You feel heard and everything seems possible. It’s communication at its highest level and is a lost art. When you integrate four fundamental truths of communication into your life, you’ll experience these moments more often.

The first truth is to know that what we all want is the ability to connect with another’s heart and soul. Unfortunately too many of our conversations are just an exchange of ideas and information and we rarely penetrate the surface. Most of our focus is on how we are going to respond to what is being said, instead of listening. When we know that what the other person really wants is connection, there will be common ground to build upon. From this foundation, we can build inspiring relationships that keep evolving.

The second truth is to know that listening involves much more than just listening to words. It is tuning into the energy beyond the words. It is understanding the needs and feelings of the other person. It’s being totally engaged and at the same time flowing with the rhythm of life. Yes, it takes a lot of energy, but you’re energized by what you get back. Imagine living in a world in which you are truly listening and fully present . As the philosopher and mystic Thomas Merton so profoundly stated in his Asian Journal:
The deepest level of communication is not communication but communion. It is wordless. It is beyond words, and is beyond speech and concept…We are already one. But we imagine that we are not. And what we have to recover is our original unity. What we have to be is what we are.

The third truth is to know that you must take responsibility for the quality of your communications. This includes having the conversation, which many of us tend to avoid. Because we all have long-standing attitudes and beliefs, we sometimes find ourselves trying to convince the other person that our perspective is the best one. Being right then becomes the goal of the interaction rather than communication, and the next thing you know you are in a full-fledged argument. Just think of what happens when you discuss politics or religion. Being right becomes more important than experiencing one of those magical moments.

Yes you’ll have to get out of your comfort zone and initiate many of these conversations. You might be afraid of putting yourself out there and possibly being rejected. You’ll find that more often than not, the person you are reaching out to welcomes the conversation just as much as you do. As we have discussed in the first truth, all of us crave more connection in our busy lives.

The fourth truth is that communication is a process and an art. Being a masterful communicator doesn’t happen over night but it starts with the intention to experience more connection in your life. Just as it is with other art forms, such as dancing or music, there is a natural ebb and flow in the learning cycle. As your commitment deepens, you notice glimpses of the magic that is possible in your life. The ultimate connection occurs when, by sharing who you really are, you touch another’s soul.

We are part of one human family. At our core we have the same human needs and desires. We have the need to love and be loved. We want to know that our life has meaning and that we have a purpose for being here at this time. When we work together as one, what’s possible in our lives, communities, and the world keeps evolving. That’s when we know we are all kindred souls.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

My response to Carl was the following. You can be happy and still have money problems. And I told the other client that he could be happy and still have his relationship problems.

Problems come and go. If we make our happiness or fulfillment dependent on the cycles of our lives, our emotions will go up and down like a yo-yo.

Rather than making our feelings of satisfaction and fulfillment contingent on getting rid of circumstances that bother us, make a decision to be happy in the moment. Yes you have to make this decision over and over again. It will take a conscious effort.

Dancing on the River, is a consciousness that is a reflection of a life decision to be happy in the moment that you make over and over again. Yes—you can be happy and your relationship has things that need to be worked out. Yes you can be happy and still have money concerns.

It’s not about being perfect but being human. We’re emotional beings. We’re irrational at times. We do the best we can under the circumstances.

There’s nothing you need to do. Most of us want to be happy. There’s nothing out there that will make you feel that way. It’s easier than you think. Try it. It starts with being grateful for your life.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

In the Q and A afterwards, many pointed out that this was a challenge for them because there was too much pain in their lives. They had been traumatized by events that they have never gotten over. And so often in their everyday living they saw too much suffering in the world.

That is the challenge that we all face. We all have been traumatized by life to various degrees and some of us are more sensitive to these events than others. Our physiology and nervous systems are unique, some more fragile than others.

So how do we find joy in the midst of a somewhat chaotic and sometimes unfair world? That is the challenge we all face. How can we see the light when we are surrounded by darkness. How can we experience joy when there is so much suffering?

In this blog, I want to give you a starting point and I’m not saying to forget the traumatic events of the past. We don’t ever get over them. But we can learn to accept and make peace with them. Many years ago I was privileged to meet a spiritual teacher from India who had taken a vow of silence for 39 years. When asked if he had learned how to be totally present with life, he answered, “NO.” Most of us present in that room were surprised. But he did say that he had learned to make peace with it.

That’s all we can do–make peace and accept all of life. We grieve for the pain in our lives and in the world, but at some point we have to go on with our lives. And what I mean by going on with our lives, is to allow ourselves to experience the joy and blessings that are so abundant when we allow ourselves to remain open to these experiences.

Often it is said that pain builds character. That is true and it also expands our capacity to experience joy. Joy and sorrow come from the same well. As we experience more, our hearts open and we embrace all of life.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Another big challenge that we face, at least those who I work with as their life coach, is the erroneous belief that when what is bothering us goes away, there will be smooth sailing.

You know that one. “Only if” this person wasn’t in my life, my life would be better. You could be in a bad relationship, or you could have an ongoing conflict with someone in the work place. You leave or they leave and you feel better for a little while until the next problem occurs.

The “only if syndrome” shows up in many different forms. I’m sure you know them, especially this one. If business picks up, the pressure will be off. It usually is for awhile and then you have new concerns. You have to fulfill the requirements of the increased business and then you worry about next year or the next slump. I can guarantee you one thing. If you tend to worry, there will always be something to worry about. As I have written in Dancing on the River, happiness is a reflection of a life decision that you make to be happy in the moment over and over again. Once you make this decision, your life will become one of adventure rather than one of struggle.

Be grateful for all of the blessings in your life. Focus on what’s right, rather than on what is wrong.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He is the author of, Dancing on the River…Navigating Life’s Changes.

There were so many times when I could have said it sooner and better. I wanted to connect but I didn’t know how and I knew it. There was a part of me that was shy. I was comfortable
expressing myself nonverbally through music and sports, but words were what was needed, if I wanted to have successful personal relationships. So I was motivated to learn all I
could about becoming a better communicator. I took workshops, read all I could, and gradually noticed that I was beginning to connect on a deeper level. This was true, whether it was in my personal or professional life.

But no matter how skillful I became, there was always that conversation I avoided having. Regardless of what the circumstances were, there was always someone with whom I avoided having a conversation. As a lawyer I had my share of them. As a coach I have found that this is a universal problem. In almost every situation between two people there is a “conversation” that can begin the healing process. This conversation can show up anywhere in your life, but usually it shows up at home with your loved ones or in the workplace.

If you don’t communicate what’s on your mind the situation only becomes worse. It won’t go away. That’s the way it was for me. I was the classic avoider.

When I first began practicing law I shared office space with Sean. For many years we were very close, like brothers, but our relationship began to change. Sean started to distance himself and seemed to shut down whenever he was around me. Even though I was aware of this happening, I didn’t say anything because I was afraid that what Sean might say would be hurtful. Our conversations remained cordial, yet superficial, and eventually we stopped communicating and went our separate ways. I lost touch with Sean.

When I had a chance encounter with Sean approximately 20 years later, I got to have that conversation. After a busy day of running errands in an obscure place I noticed an attorney’s
office. I walked inside and there was Sean. It was a special moment for both of us.

I told Sean how special he had been in my life and how hurt and disappointed I had been when
we drifted apart. Sean shared his journey with me. He said he had to hit bottom, and as part of that process, he pushed everyone away. I thought I was the only one. For many years
I had felt that it was because of me that the relationship had broken down. The truth was that it had nothing to do with me. Sometimes having these conversations is a risk. I certainly
felt that way walking into Sean’s office, but I’m glad I did. I spoke my truth. We both understood what it was that at one time had connected us. We also understood why we were
now walking different paths.

Probably the most fertile ground for having these conversations is with your significant other or a family member.

Prior to meeting my wife, Annie, I was in an unsatisfactory relationship for three years with someone else. I accepted the circumstances of the relationship because I didn’t want to confront
the truth, which was that we wanted different things from life. I also didn’t want to be alone, but the truth was that even though I was in a relationship with her, I felt alone. If I had been willing to face the truth, it would have been easier to have had that conversation. Instead, I avoided it for three years. Finally things came to a head and we had that conversation. If I had been more truthful with myself and had faced my fear of being alone, I would have had that conversation much sooner.

Four Suggestions That Will Impact Your Ability to Engage in Diffi cult Conversations:

1. Whenever you feel confl ict or tension in a relationship, make the commitment to have a conversation about it. Think of a potential conflict as an opportunity to deepen the connection.
Look at it this way: Confl ict=Opportunity. I know that I’m simplifying it and I also know that
it’s true. It’s a powerful concept. Rather than running away, look for what’s possible. See this opportunity as a gift.

2. Be strategic. Think of a supportive place and time when you think the other person will be more receptive to what you have to say. If it’s a workplace issue, if at all possible have the conversation away from the workplace.

3. Don’t make the other person wrong. You might be wondering how you can let someone know that his or her way of doing things conflicts with your way without being critical of him. This is where you get to develop your expertise. Once you become critical of another person, their natural reaction will be to defend themselves and in the process most likely find fault with
you. They’ll never find out what your needs are or how the problem might be resolved.

4. Start the conversation with an observation. With Sean the following conversation would have been revealing, “Sean, I feel like you are pulling away from me. Did I do something that offended you? Are you ok?” That conversation would have made me aware that the distancing
that I was experiencing wasn’t because of me.

You have to ask the questions even if you think the answers might be painful. Having the conversation is an art form. It might seem awkward at fi rst, but you’ll have plenty of opportunity to practice because these situations keep coming up. They are part of living. If you don’t address what’s bothering you, the problem won’t miraculously go away.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

I seldom shop at Safeway….usually buy organic at the farmers markets and the local health food store…but here I am early in the morning walking into Safeway…usually early in the morning things are a little slow as folks are just getting into the rhythm of the day.

Most checkers I have experienced not only at Safeway but at many markets are just putting in their time earning their paycheck.

But there is Maureen who I look forward to seeing in the morning who is high on life always smiling and laughing. Even though her checkout line is always the longest, I look forward to our brief conversation. She loves what she is doing and I am sure loves almost everything.

I couldn’t resist asking Maureen what her secret was. She told me that she feels blessed for everything that she has. It was a decision that she made many years ago. She’s grateful for her job, for her family and her health. She’s not concerned with what could have been or obsessed with what didn’t work out.

What a great way to start the morning….It doesn’t take anything extra. That big smile and enthusiasm is contagious.

Dancing on the River, which is the title of my new book, is a reflection of a life decision to be happy in the moment that you make over and over again.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

JOURNEY ON

MARK