As an executive and life coach I notice the same patterns in the people I coach and in my own process. No matter what we are doing, our feelings and desires are intensified by the relationships we choose to be in.

We also erroneously believe that if some of the people in our life changed, things would be better. I have previously written about Suzanne and her desire to change her partner. I reminded Suzanne that we choose a particular partner for a reason. That person at this time in our life is perfect for our soul’s evolution.

Let me share with you a little bit about my path. I have always felt that I was on the family track. Yet many years ago I chose a partner who wasn’t and spent three years of my life with her. I had to look at that. What was really going on with me? If I really wanted a family at that time I would not have chosen her as my relationship partner. She didn’t try to hide the way she really felt from me. However she had other gifts that attracted me-she inspired me to explore my musical creativity which was important to me.

The relationship lasted as long as it did until our needs changed. I wanted more. I wanted to go deeper. Then we moved on. It was extremely painful at the time. And when I moved on I was clear what I wanted. I got it right the next time, although you could say that it’s all perfect. Each relationship prepares us for the next.

A suggestion. The next time you are dissatisfied in your relationship ask yourself a few questions. What is it exactly that you are getting out of the relationship? Are you wiling to let that go? As I said in Suzanne’s situation for now her situation was perfect the way it was.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He is the author of, Dancing on the River:Navigating Life’s Changes.

So here it is. It’s the middle of August. I’m looking at my garden. What grew and what didn’t. The tomatoes aren’t ripe yet. The squash was plentiful. I can smell the basil. The peppers are just about ready. The watermelon didn’t make it.

Prior to this year it had been a while since we tended to the garden. We weeded, prepared the soil, researched which plants would do well in our climate and planted. We waited, watched and watered the plants. While most of the plants seemed to like their new home, some didn’t make it through the summer. It didn’t seem like there was a pattern. One plant thrives while the other only a few feet away, struggles. Isn’t that the way life is? In some areas of our life we thrive while in others we struggle. Quite often we’re pleasantly surprised and discover new things about ourselves.

We have natural inclinations—natural strengths and talents. Music has always been one of my natural inclinations while fixing things has been a challenge. And yet on those rare occasions when I do fix something I get excited.

Relationships are like that. I look at the people in my life. There are those who I am connected with that put a smile on my face. And then there are those who take a lot of work. It’s a matter of how we want to spend our time. I think back to my garden. In one area of the garden there are very few weeds and in another area, I am constantly weeding.

Until we get rid of the weeds, what we can see and appreciate is limited. In our lives, the weeds which are in the form of limiting beliefs, prevent us from seeing what is possible.

Weed your garden. Take the time to get rid of what isn’t working. Be curious.

ENJOY THE JOURNEY

MARK

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He is the author of, Dancing on the River:Navigating Life’s Changes.

I’m doing something a little different in this blog. What do you want people to know about life, long after you are gone? It might be your son or daughter or a friend that you really care about. My message is in the form of a letter.
DEAR LOVED ONES:

I KNOW THAT SOMEWHERE YOU CAN HEAR ME. I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU.

I HAVE A LOT TO TELL YOU. BUT I WANT TO LEAVE YOU WITH ONE THOUGHT THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER FORGET.

YOU CAN BE HAPPY AND FULFILLED, ALTHOUGH IT MIGHT NOT SEEM THAT WAY AT TIMES. KEEP ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT HOW YOU CAN DO THIS. SOMETIMES IT SEEMS EASY AND THEN IT CHANGES. YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT LIFE CHANGES. THINGS DON’T STAY THE SAME. SO YOU HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO BE FLEXIBLE. HAVE A SPIRITUAL PATH, SOMETHING THAT YOU SPEND SOME TIME WITH EVERYDAY. OTHEWISE YOU’LL GET TOO CAUGHT UP IN THE DAY-TO-DAY SUPERFICIALITY OF LIFE.

DON’T FORGET TO LAUGH…EVEN IN THOSE MOMENTS OF PAIN AND SORROW, THERE IS JOY AND LAUGHTER ON THE OTHER SIDE. SO DON’T GIVE UP…KEEP GOING FOR IT AND REMEMBER THERE ARE NO FREE LUNCHES. YOU ARE GOING TO GET YOUR SHARE OF LUMPS. BUT IT’S WHAT YOU DO WITH THEM THAT ULTIMATLEY DETERMINES THE QUALITY OF YOUR LIFE.

HERE’S TO THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

WITH LOVE AND BLESSINGS

JOURNEY ON

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He is the author of, Dancing on the River:Navigating Life’s Changes.

There were so many times when I could have said it sooner and better. I wanted to connect but I didn’t know how and I knew it. There was a part of me that was shy. I was comfortable expressing myself nonverbally through music and sports; but words were what was needed, if I wanted to have successful personal relationships. So I was motivated to learn all I could about becoming a better communicator.

I took workshops, read all I could, and gradually noticed that I was beginning to connect on a deeper level. This was true, whether it was in my personal or professional life. But no matter how skillful I became, there was always that conversation I avoided having. Regardless of what the circumstances were, there was always someone with whom I avoided having a conversation. As a lawyer I had my share of them. As a coach I have found that this is a universal problem.

In almost every situation between two people there is a “conversation” that can begin the healing process. This conversation can show up anywhere in your life, but usually it shows up at home with your loved ones or in the workplace.

If you don’t communicate what’s on your mind the situation only becomes worse. It won’t go away. That’s the way it was for me. I was the classic avoider. When I first began practicing law I shared office space with Sean. For many years we were very close, like brothers, but our relationship began to change. Sean started to distance himself and seemed to shut down whenever he was around me. Even though I was aware of this happening, I didn’t say anything because I was afraid that what Sean might say would be hurtful. Our conversations remained cordial, yet superficial, and eventually we stopped communicating and went our separate ways.

I lost touch with Sean. When I had a chance encounter with Sean approximately 20 years later, I got to have that conversation. After a busy day of running errands in an obscure place I noticed an attorney’s office. I walked inside and there was Sean. It was a special moment for both of us. I told Sean how special he had been in my life and how hurt and disappointed I had been when we drifted apart. Sean shared his journey with me. He said he had to hit bottom, and as part of that process, he pushed everyone away. I thought I was the only one.

For many years I had felt that it was because of me that the relationship had broken down. The truth was that it had nothing to do with me. Sometimes having these conversations is a risk. I certainly felt that way walking into Sean’s office, but I’m glad I did. I spoke my truth. We both understood what it was that at one time had connected us. We also understood why we were now walking different paths.

Probably the most fertile ground for having these conversations is with your significant other or a family member. Prior to meeting my wife, Annie, I was in an unsatisfactory relationship for three years with someone else. I accepted the circumstances of the relationship because I didn’t want to confront the truth, which was that we wanted different things from life. I wanted to have a family and she said she wasn’t sure. I didn’t press it, because I didn’t want to find out what she really wanted, which was not to have a family. I also didn’t want to be alone. But the truth was that even though I was in a relationship with her, I felt alone.

If I had been willing to face the truth, it would have been easier to have had that conversation. Instead, I avoided it for three years. Finally things came to a head and we had that conversation. If I had been more truthful with myself and had faced my fear of being alone, I would have had that conversation much sooner.

I know most of you have had similar experiences. Rather than finding out what’s really going on, you avoid having the conversation. All that does is prolong the tension and stifle any real communication.

Four Suggestions That Will Impact Your Ability to Engage in Difficult Conversations

1. Whenever you feel conflict or tension in a relationship, make the commitment to have a conversation about it. Think of a potential conflict as an opportunity to deepen the connection. Look at it this way: Conflict=Opportunity.
I know that I’m simplifying it and I also know that it’s true. It’s a powerful concept. Rather than running
away, look for what’s possible. See this opportunity as a gift.

2. Be strategic. Think of a supportive place and time when you think the other person will be more receptive to what you have to say. If it’s a workplace issue, if at all possible have the conversation away from the workplace.

3. Don’t make the other person wrong. You might be wondering how you can let someone know that his or her way of doing things conflicts with your way without being
critical of them. This is where you get to develop your expertise. Once you become critical of another
person, their natural reaction will be to defend themselves and in the process most likely find fault with
you. They’ll never find out what your needs are or how the problem might be resolved. It’s also important to remember they might not even be aware of how their actions have impacted you.

4. Start the conversation with an observation. With Sean the following conversation would have been revealing, “Sean, I feel like you are pulling away from me. Did I do something that offended you? Are you ok?” That conversation would have made me aware that the distancing
that I was experiencing wasn’t because of me. With my girlfriend I could have had the following conversation much sooner. “We’ve been together for a while now and I really want to have a family. I’m not sure you want the same thing. What do you really want?” Simple, yet scary. You have to ask the questions even if you think the answers might be painful. Having the conversation is an art form. It
might seem awkward at first, but you’ll have plenty of opportunity to practice because these situations keep coming up. They are part of living. If you don’t address what’s bothering you, the problem won’t miraculously go away. I have a challenge for you:

With whom can you have that conversation and when will you have it?

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He is the author of, Dancing on the River:Navigating Life’s Changes.

In a life coaching session with my client, let’s call her Sally, Sally expressed concern that she didn’t have a long term vision of the life she wanted down the road. She didn’t seem to have any goals about the future.

It seemed that her life was consumed with day-to-day survival concerns—making ends meet, maybe a little more than that. But essentially getting through each day was a big challenge.

As we explored this concern during our session, what became clear was that Sally did have some dreams about the future, but dismissed them because they seemed so impractical. Sally is like so many people who I come in contact with. Without dreams for the future, it’s difficult to have hope, which in itself becomes a motivating factor in our daily lives.

Having something to work toward that has meaning gives our everyday work more significance. Sally’s dream was someday to have a house on the beach since she loved so much to spend time there. As we continued to explore, Sally said that having a place that she could share with another couple was also something that she considered.

Sally, who is a financial person, never crunched the numbers to see exactly what was needed because it seemed so far-fetched. Sally’s homework before our next session was to look in the paper or go online and see what was currently available and at what price range in the geographic areas she was considering. She also said that she was open to making this investment with another couple.

Once Sally crunches the numbers, she’ll have a better idea of what is needed to make this happen. Then she can create goals that can help her manifest what was once just a dream. More about goals and dreams in the next blog.

JOURNEY ON

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He is the author of, Dancing on the River…Navigating Life’s Changes.

I have frequently thought about what I want my children to know about life. This is what i wrote in my book Dancing on the River: Navigating Life’s Changes.

Things change. You have to prepare yourself so that you can flow with these changes. The average person today has six or seven careers. The divorce rate is high. Friendships change. You might have a falling out, someone might move away, or pass on. And of course there are health challenges along the way. Let us not forget about the physiological changes that occur during the aging process. The currents of the river are constantly changing; they are affected by many unforeseen forces. You can’t live your life being afraid of these changes, because by avoiding them you are not really living.

What worked at one time in your life might not work at another time. Rather than developing career skills, you neeed to develop life skills that will enable you to thrive in any situation.

Living a successful and fulfilling life is not an accident. Successful people have goals and dreams. They have faith. They know that at the darkest moment there will be a light that illuminates their path. They know that they are no alone and that there is a power greater than they are. When they live from their center, they have access to this power.

Life happens. There are some things we can’t control. The meaning we give to what happens is a choice. Saying yes to life and dancing on the river is also a choice. Enjoy the dance.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He is the author of, Dancing on the River…Navigating Life’s Changes.

“So, you mean I can be happy and still be worried about money?” That’s what one of my life coaching clients asked me the other day. Another client said, “I’ll be happy when I find the right person.” And another client made the following statement, “Things will be better, when I leave this marriage.”

You get the idea. I call it the “if only syndrome.” If only my circumstances were different, my life would be better. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about and perhaps too well. We postpone our happiness thinking that an unknown future will be better than the life we have now. Chances are if you are unhappy now, you’ll be unhappy in the future. You take it with you. Circumstances might make you feel better for a moment, but that feeling of relief won’t last very long.

I am a firm believer that happiness is a decision that you make to be happy in the moment over and over again.It eventually becomes a consciousness. What I call Dancing on the River is a reflection of this consciousness.

So what I’m saying and do say over and over again to my life coaching clients and to many of my friends is that you can be happy and still have those money worries. You can be happy and still have those relationship concerns. They won’t go away for very long. And there will always be a new one to replace them.

There you have it. Happiness is not about circumstances. It’s about you and your willingness to declare your determination to be joyful. It’s not in the future. It’s now! So go for it.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He is the author of, Dancing on the River…Navigating Life’s Changes.

For the last ten years I have had the luxury to think about the human process. As a life coach that’s what I do. I get to listen to others share their challenges and to share in their triumphs. We’re all on this journey together. From this work together I have had the opportunity to become clear on some of the bigger challenges that we all face. It seems that no matter what we do or what we think about, we experience doubt to some degree.

We can’t wait for that perfect time when there seems to be nothing in the way. If we did we wouldn’t be doing anything except waiting. Living with doubt is empowering because it keeps us on our toes. It gives us that edge that makes us feel alive. Unfortunately too often we let doubt stop us and prevent us from taking that next step in our life.

Doubt can drive you nuts at times and cause you much anxiety, but over time it doesn’t throw you off course as much. Perhaps you’ll get to that place in your life when the doubt is minimized or barely perceptible. But to eliminate all doubt before taking the next step will result in a life that is unexplored and unfulfilled.

Think about your life and how you have let doubt stop you in the past. How would your life have been different if you went for it? What’s preventing you from going for it now? Having doubt also indicates that you are thoughtful and insightful. It prepares you for the unexpected and unpredictable. In the long run it is what makes you more successful and fulfilled.

Be thankful for your doubt but don’t let it stop you.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He is the author of, Dancing on the River…Navigating Life’s Changes.

Connection is not a matter of time. When you connect with your heart, body and soul, connection happens in an instant. It transcends titles, race, gender, age and anything you can think of. From this bond of connection anything is possible.

Yet connecting with another is one of the greatest challenges that we all face; a challenge worthy of our best efforts. It comes up everyday in the work that I do. The following is an excerpt from Dancing on the River.

Sometimes telling a story is the best way to describe the feeling. There is that moment when you feel touched by another person and your heart is wide open.

You’re on the way to the airport. You get on the plane with a book that you’ve been planning to read for quite some time. As you open your book you glance at the person next to you. A few minutes later you’re asked a question and you reluctantly answer. You lower your book a bit to be polite and after a few minutes you find yourself putting your book down and engaging in a conversation, although with a lack of enthusiasm. And then the person next to you, let’s call him John, makes an observation about you that’s quite perceptive and sensitive. You start to become curious about who John is and in the course of the conversation, he tells you about an experience he has only shared with a few people. You let John know that you have had a similar experience. By now you’re totally engaged and listening to every word he says. You notice every nuance in the inflection of his voice and in the way he moves. Time seems to stand still and the next thing you know the plane lands. You say goodbye to the kindred soul you have just met. You’ll always be connected.

You now know what’s possible. You feel heard and everything seems possible. It’s communication at its highest level and is a lost art. When you integrate four fundamental truths of communication into your life, you’ll experience these moments more often.

The first truth is to know that what we all want is the ability to connect with another’s heart and soul. Unfortunately too many of our conversations are just an exchange of ideas and information and we rarely penetrate the surface. Most of our focus is on how we are going to respond to what is being said, instead of listening. When we know that what the other person really wants is connection, there will be common ground to build upon. From this foundation, we can build inspiring relationships that keep evolving.

The second truth is to know that listening involves much more than just listening to words. It is tuning into the energy beyond the words. It is understanding the needs and feelings of the other person. It’s being totally engaged and at the same time flowing with the rhythm of life. Yes, it takes a lot of energy, but you’re energized by what you get back. Imagine living in a world in which you are truly listening and fully present . As the philosopher and mystic Thomas Merton so profoundly stated in his Asian Journal:
The deepest level of communication is not communication but communion. It is wordless. It is beyond words, and is beyond speech and concept…We are already one. But we imagine that we are not. And what we have to recover is our original unity. What we have to be is what we are.

The third truth is to know that you must take responsibility for the quality of your communications. This includes having the conversation, which many of us tend to avoid. Because we all have long-standing attitudes and beliefs, we sometimes find ourselves trying to convince the other person that our perspective is the best one. Being right then becomes the goal of the interaction rather than communication, and the next thing you know you are in a full-fledged argument. Just think of what happens when you discuss politics or religion. Being right becomes more important than experiencing one of those magical moments.

Yes you’ll have to get out of your comfort zone and initiate many of these conversations. You might be afraid of putting yourself out there and possibly being rejected. You’ll find that more often than not, the person you are reaching out to welcomes the conversation just as much as you do. As we have discussed in the first truth, all of us crave more connection in our busy lives.

The fourth truth is that communication is a process and an art. Being a masterful communicator doesn’t happen over night but it starts with the intention to experience more connection in your life. Just as it is with other art forms, such as dancing or music, there is a natural ebb and flow in the learning cycle. As your commitment deepens, you notice glimpses of the magic that is possible in your life. The ultimate connection occurs when, by sharing who you really are, you touch another’s soul.

We are part of one human family. At our core we have the same human needs and desires. We have the need to love and be loved. We want to know that our life has meaning and that we have a purpose for being here at this time. When we work together as one, what’s possible in our lives, communities, and the world keeps evolving. That’s when we know we are all kindred souls.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He is the author of, Dancing on the River…Navigating Life’s Changes.

In a life coaching session yesterday, my client, let’s call him Carl, asked me, “You mean I can be happy even though I have these money problems?” Another client, asked me the following: “You mean I can be happy even though I have these relationship problems?”

My response to Carl was the following. You can be happy and still have money problems. And I told the other client that he could be happy and still have his relationship problems.

Problems come and go. If we make our happiness or fulfillment dependent on the cycles of our lives, our emotions will go up and down like a yo-yo.

Rather than making our feelings of satisfaction and fulfillment contingent on getting rid of circumstances that bother us, make a decision to be happy in the moment. Yes you have to make this decision over and over again. It will take a conscious effort.

Dancing on the River, is a consciousness that is a reflection of a life decision to be happy in the moment that you make over and over again. Yes—you can be happy and your relationship has things that need to be worked out. Yes you can be happy and still have money concerns.

It’s not about being perfect but being human. We’re emotional beings. We’re irrational at times. We do the best we can under the circumstances.

There’s nothing you need to do. Most of us want to be happy. There’s nothing out there that will make you feel that way. It’s easier than you think. Try it. It starts with being grateful for your life.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He is the author of, Dancing on the River…Navigating Life’s Changes.