Although relationships are often unpredictable and confusing, we still try to make sense of them. So that’s what i’m doing here— sharing my perspective–so that the next time you reach that point of utter confusion you’ll have something to go on. In my book Dancing on the River there is a whole chapter on Love and Relationships.

But first a little history. There was that time when my focus was on finding the one. You know, Mr Right or Mrs Right. And then I met the one who I thought was the one, who was ready and willing and I started to freak out. I had been single for so long and so used to searching that I didn’t know what to do. Well I got over it and over 20 years has gone by.

Let me share with you 11 guiding principles to deeper intimacy:

1.Be respectful of your partner. You better think of your partner as someone who is pretty special and like who they are as a person.

2. Recognize each other’s strengths. Each of you has certain strengths and gifts. Utilize them to the benefit of the relationship.

3. Have you really made a full commitment? So many couples use every fight as a weapon to challenge the strength of the relationship. If you are really committed you cannot keep challenging the relationship.

4. Commitment to personal growth. Don’t think because you are in that “relationship” that you can stop working on yourself. For a while that was my thinking. When you stop growing you get boring and so does your partner and everything you are involved in. Growth is a lifelong process whether you are alone or with a partner.

5. You need to be flexible. Life evolves and things changes. As you change so does your partner and everything around you.

6. Develop a personal support system, independent of the relationship. Life is not a bowl of cherries, sometime you get a bad pit or a sour taste. In a long term relationship you will experience several challenges. It can be a financial setback, an illness, a loss of a loved one or a personal tragedy.

7. Have or develop a sense of humor, but not necessarily at the expense of your partner.

8. See relationships as a sacred path. In the process you’ll discover more about yourself than anything else you can do.

9. Learn how to deeply listen to each other, which means caring about what your partner longs for.

10. Create a safe vehicle or environment so that you can have authentic and honest discussions around potentially challenging subjects. Have you had a honest discussion regarding your finances? Do you have a financial plan that can work for both of you? Are you mutually responsible for the implementation of this plan?

11. Choose a partner who is capable of mutuality. Perhaps most important is whether your partner can make the commitment. Are they emotionally available?

What about you? Where do you shut down? Are there things in your life, that you refuse to look at? They’re usually are. And that’s our work.

So there it is.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He is the author of, Dancing on the River…Navigating Life’s Changes.

I just got off the phone with let’s call him, Carl, one of my life-coaching clients. At one time in his life, Carl, was excited about the path he was embarking upon. In his quest to become more fulfilled, Carl, read many books on personal development, took work-shops on becoming more fulfilled and asked the big questions. He believed that the answer was within reach.

Then he became immersed in his career, got married and began a family. In the process he forgot who he was. At this time in his life, the quest for knowledge and the meaning of life is just a memory.

In our life coaching sessions, I have been trying to get Carl to get in touch with who he was as a young man, since he was excited then. Carl knows what he has to do, but he is so engrained with his life and the habits that go along with making his career work, he can’t break away from work and make the investment of time and energy necessary to explore that world world that is waiting for him to show up.

Carl has very few interests other than his career. He knows it and wants to regain that passion he once had. But there was nothing that seemed to excite him.

As a start I suggested that he read through the local adult education programs at the local schools. I told him that right now what was most important was making the commitment. It’s like reading a book. You can’t get into the emotion of it until you’re read a few chapters.

His homework is to commit to taking one course during the next session. He’s agreed to it. It doesn’t matter if you’re not excited initially. That will come. What’s important is to get the energy moving. As part of your research and development to know yourself better, take the next step. Perhaps it’s not taking a course. It could be calling someone you have been thinking about but haven’t yet reached out to.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He is the author of, Dancing on the River…Navigating Life’s Changes.

The amazing journey of writing Dancing on the River—Navigating Life Changes is complete for now. I only say “for now” because there always is more to explore and navigate, although we don’t know what that might be from where we are now. That’s the way it is—our lives—a never-ending journey in which we learn more about who we really are and where we are going.

I always loved the title, Dancing on the River, which my good friend Alan Harris sourced, but it was only after writing the last chapter that I realized that I had to rewrite the introduction and put in words what it means to be dancing on the river of your life. That final process was transformational. If you have been reading Letters on Life for some time, you might already know the river story. But since our lives are constantly evolving, it has new meaning.

When you stand in the river for the second time, is it the same river in which you had stood earlier? ANCIENT PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION

Let me share with you some excerpts from the introduction:

A few years ago, I wrote an article about a river-rafting trip on the Green River in Colorado, where I had a near-death experience. As I was propelled through the rapids, behind the raft, I wasn’t sure if I would survive the swifter currents of the river. It wasn’t until many years later that I realized the significance of what happened on that trip. I was thirteen at the time.

As I relived this experience, during the writing of this book, I gleaned eight lessons and insights from the river experience, and the river of my life that have guided me on my life journey. They form the foundation for this book. I truly discovered what it means to be Dancing on the River. It’s an attitude about how you approach life. It’s a belief system that you cultivate. It’s a reflection of a life decision that you make to be happy and to enjoy life in this moment. Your enjoyment and appreciation of life is not dependent on what might happen in the future. I haven’t always felt this way. It’s taken me a while to get here. Some days I feel it more than others. Some days I forget.

Dancing on the River is the journey of how I have gotten to this place in my life. It’s been a process of discovering what beliefs and attitudes were holding me back from moving forward. It’s been a process of discovering spiritual practices and mental disciplines that have supported me in integrating more empowering beliefs and attitudes into my way of thinking. It’s been the awakening to a rich inner life that has fulfilled me on many levels. It’s been the willingness to face adversity and to be courageous when I needed to be. It’s about a leap of faith. It’s also a story about others and how they have changed their perception of life. Underlying all of this is the commitment to developing the life skills and belief systems necessary to face life’s challenges.

We are affected by events and circumstances that we have no control over. There are no explanations for many of the things that happen. We struggle with trying to make sense of it. More than ever, the world we live in is changing at an accelerating rate. Navigating these changes, both personally and globally, has become an art form and is the greatest challenge that we all face. It can feel overwhelming at times and can drain us emotionally. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

It is my sincere hope that after you read this book you will feel empowered to embrace life’s changes rather than avoiding or reacting to them. Like most rivers, our lives are constantly changing. It’s just that we are more aware of it now. So jump in—you’re going to get wet anyway. These challenges are there to nurture and accelerate your life’s unfolding. Avoiding the challenge just delays what you ultimately have to learn.

Most of us have experienced those moments when we are not sure what to do or which way to turn. While trying to figure it out, you can dance on the river, even though you are not sure where the river is taking you. You’re not alone on your quest. It is my hope that Dancing on the River becomes your guide and provides you with the tools and inspiration that will help you on your journey.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He is the author of, Dancing on the River…Navigating Life’s Changes.

Most of us have good ideas and intentions. The challenge is to carry them out to fruition. As a writer I’m always thinking of new ways to communicate my everyday experience of life, just like a comedian is thinking of the humor in that same experience and the musician thinks of the rhythm that he or she is feeling.

With that in mind, I began writing more often. Each day I would chronicle my insights and experiences that I thought would be interesting to share. But like a lot of good ideas, not all of them are carried out to completion.

It seems as if many of the people with whom I work as a life coach have the same challenge. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s one of your challenges too. As a result we stop short of really getting to know something. We don’t get to experience that depth of understanding.

We resist being in the moment. Our mind detracts us from whatever we are doing. “There is something else we could be doing” we think to ourselves. Or we might be thinking, “why am I here, I don’t want to do this.”

What you are experiencing in form or the other is what I call resistance. Overcoming resistance is one of the biggest challenge that we all face. It shows up in so many aspects of our lives. It’s only when we go deeper that we can experience those magical moments. Let me give you an example.

I was looking forward to going to yoga this morning but at the last minute thought about bagging it before I left the house. But i didn’t and went to class. It took a while before settling in and being present. I felt great after class. That was just one experience, but it is that thought process that occurs in almost everything we do.

During the class I had so many thoughts about just letting it go and not being there. It’s that duality that we all experience. We are physically present at a particular place..doing something…yet at the same time our mind is some other place. And with all of the latest technology, it makes the problem even greater. As soon as it’s feasible, one brings out their cell phones.

That’s what I’m working on–being totally present…I think that’s what charisma is all about. People who we perceive as charismatic have that ability to be present and to exhibit presence. Think of it in another way. What is presence? Being present.

It’s something you can work on and develop. In a subsequent blog we’ll talk about a few things that can help you develop this quality.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He is the author of, Dancing on the River…Navigating Life’s Changes, in which many of these ideas are discussed.

Last night my son and I watched a movie, Kicking and Screaming, that we had seen before. I’m always touched by movies that involve family dynamics. This one especially got me.

Essentially the movie was about the relationship between a father and son and their relationship to winning. The son hated his father’s obsession with winning and being the best. However in his desire to beat his father he becomes just like his father. He sacrifices his own relationship with his own son and forgets what his true values are. Isn’t that what happens to many of us?

In the struggle with making it in the world we lose sight of what is important to us. It consumes and drains us so that we don’t have the time or the energy for other things.

Our relationships suffer and we suddenly wake up one day and realize that our life seems empty in many ways. We might regret some of our past decisions or conduct. It’s time to assess what’s going on in our lives.

Take inventory by asking yourself the following: Are you satisfied with what you have accomplished so far this year? And then ask yourself how satisfied are you with whom you have become? Perhaps the answer to the second question will be more revealing. Don be like the guy in the movie.

Taking time for yourself everyday before the day gets going is the best way to take care of yourself. if you have been following me, you know that I believe strongly that how you start your day sets the tone for the day. Take time for reflection–meditate–think about your blessings–be curious as to what the highlight of your day might be.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. Mark’s new book, Dancing on the River…Navigating Life’s Changes will be released May 25, 2010.

For the last ten years I have had the luxury to think about the human process. Not only have I had the opportunity to observe my own process, I have been privileged to meet thousands of people who are seeking to better understand their lives so that their life can become one of joy rather than struggle.

What I have seen is that living with doubt is one of the biggest challenges we all face. Too often we let doubt stop us and prevent us from taking that next step in our life. We focus on what might go wrong and as a result stay stuck in our comfort zone.

No matter what we do, we are going to experience doubt to some extent. Many of us experience this as fear or anxiety. We don’t like it and will do anything to avoid it.

We have a strong desire to get to that place in our lives where the doubt is minimized or barely perceptible. But to eliminate all doubt before taking the next step will result in a life that is unexplored and unfulfilled. It leads to a life that is predictable and routine. Mediocrity becomes the norm.

Change your perspective and think of doubt in a different way. Doubt is a reminder that you are thoughtful and insightful. It creates an edge that is exciting which prepares you for the unexpected and unpredictable. In the long run it leads to a more fulfilling and successful life. It allows you to get in touch with your passion.

Be thankful for your doubt but don’t let it stop you.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. Mark’s new book, Dancing on the River…Navigating Life’s Changes will be released May 25, 2010.

Imagine you’re in a rut. Every time you look out you see the same thing. You see a mountain. You know if you climb the mountain things will look different. As you climb higher you are able to see more. In the last blog, I talked about trying a different approach to reach the pinnacle of that mountain.

Personal Development is like that. You have to be open to change. The more open you are the higher you can go. Eventually you’ll get near the top and what you see expands you.

When you reach the peak your view is unlimited. You look in every direction and your view is unobstructed. You consider things you’ve never thought were possible. You’re confidence is at an all time high. You experience a magic and excitement. You’re looking forward to what’s next.

But it doesn’t stay that way. You come back down and return to the starting point— well not exactly the starting point because you’ll never see things the way you did before you began the journey. You had a glimpse–a glimpse that keeps you going even in the darkest moments.

That glimpse lets you know what is possible and you gratefully accept the challenge. It also prepares you for the next challenge; a new mountain that you can’t even imagine at this time. It’s only when looking back you realize how far you’ve come.

I invite you to read my new book Dancing on the River. It’s a guide into unknown territory. After reading it, you’ll be more comfortable with “not knowing” what the future holds. You might even feel that the unknown is your friend.

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. Mark’s new book, Dancing on the River…Navigating Life’s Changes will be released May 22, 2010.

This is my favorite time of year. The rainy season is over, yet the streams on the mountain are flowing freely. The mountain is lush and full of breathtaking wild flowers. One way of enjoying the lake is walking around it.

But lately I have been riding my mountain bike. You cover a lot more ground and there’s something about getting on the bike. You feel elevated-you feel invigorated.

Yesterday I rode from my house to Phoenix Lake which is approximately a mile and a half ride. On the far right edge of the lake you have a choice to continue on Lower Shaver up to Five Corners or to turn left and climb Fish Grade or Eldridge. Fish Grade for me has always been out of the question since it’s so steep. So my choice really was Eldridge or to continue straight.

I wanted more of a challenge so I decided on Eldridge. The slope on Eldridge is slightly elevated for the first 100 yards and then there is a 50 yard stretch in which the slope is greatly elevated before leveling off.

To say the least this stretch is a challenge; on some occasions I’ll get off my bike and walk or once I get to the top I’ll rest for a bit.
I wanted to break this pattern and tried a different approach which was truly transformative.

Once I started climbing the steep 50 yard stretch, instead of wondering if I could make it to the top, I focused on the step or two immediataely in front of me. It became a mental discipline. I didn’t look up to see how far I had to go. For me the choice was simple. By breaking it down into small segmentss I didn’t notice any slope at all. It was only when I looked up at the top of the incline that I noticed the steepness. As I focused on what was immediately in front of me I reached the top and continued on my way. I wasn’t tired or winded. It was as if I was riding on a level trail.

I realized now that it wasn’t the ride that made me tired, but how I felt about the ride. Like so many things in life, it isn’t what happens, but the meaning we give to what happens.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. Mark’s new book, Dancing on the River…Navigating Life’s Changes will be released May 22, 2010.

Have you heard the expression “if you don’t use it you lose it.” I have had that thought on many occasions especially when I haven’t been doing one of my practices. It can mean many different things depending on who you are. It can show up in your life in various situations.

For example: Exercising—you know you need to do it but haven’t done it for quite some time. Your force yourself to do it, but it’s not fun.

It could be a spiritual practice. You’re resistant because you haven’t done it in a while and you can’t seem to fit it into your schedule. You’ve also forgot how good you feel afterwards.

In my case it could be writing. After I finished writing Dancing on the River, I lost my edge. I wasn’t motivated. Eventually I felt something was missing. I knew what I had to do. I sat down and began writing because that was part of me. It took a while to get back in the groove. At first it was awkward and difficult, but gradually it began to feel better.

Relationships can be that way. Let’s take a brief look at them. How satisfied are you with the quality of your relationships? What can you do to make them better? When’s the last time you made a new friend? How willing are you to reach out and begin a new conversation?

No matter who you are, you always have room for a new conversation which is an opportunity to learn something new about yourself. Real communication is an art form that is alway expanding and always full of new possibilities.

I have a challenge for you. Think about a person in your life with whom you would like to have better communication. What would have to shift? What would you have to do to make it happen? What’s in the way of your doing what you have to do?

And yes it usually starts with you. You have to make the first step. Be willing to put yourself out there. Perhaps make that phone call you have been putting off. Or send an email you have been delaying.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. Mark’s new book, Dancing on the River…Navigating Life’s Changes will be released May 22, 2010.

At a talk I gave recently, I was asked what I consider to be the biggest challenge that we personally face in our lives. It didn’t take me long to respond. Most of us are imprisoned by our negative thoughts, which affect our ability to enjoy life in the moment and to be optimistic about the future.

Being optimistic is an act of faith that is a moment-to-moment choice that one makes over and over again. Our ultimate challenge is to be optimistic in the face of the many reasons not to be.

If you are questioning how you are doing, ask yourself how much you worry. Most of us worry more than we would like. This excessive worry drains us of our ability to enjoy life in the moment. We feel empty. There’s no place to hide. Almost every day there is a crisis somewhere in the world that fuels the fires of worry. Routinely there is the mention of an economic collapse or bank failure, which reminds us of how our own accounts or businesses are doing and adds to our stress.

On top of that the stress of everyday living drains us. It might be a toxic relationship, work situation or financial issue. We mistakenly believe that when the current crisis is resolved, there will be smooth sailing. Perhaps for a brief period of time there is, but there is always going to be a next thing to be concerned about. We can’t change that. That’s life. From our limited perspective we aren’t able to see the big picture. As a result we overreact even to the normal circumstances that occur in the course of everyday living. In the process our personal, spiritual and emotional accounts are drained.

Welcome to a new kind of bank, the inner B.A.N.K of Well-Being. It’s our internal barometer as to how we are feeling about “life.” When our account has a nice surplus, it’s easier to be optimistic and to feel that we can handle most challenges. Our job is to make daily deposits into this account.

Since we can’t change the external events that are going to occur, we have to focus on the things that we can change which are our internal states and our belief systems. We can replenish our accounts by depositing good energy into them in the form of positive thoughts, healthy food, exercise, a spiritual discipline, inspiration, and supportive friends. When you have a daily spiritual practice, everyday in some way you are making a deposit. Meditation and communing in nature have always had a healing affect on my being. I know that you have your own way of replenishing your account. The important thing is to commit to making the deposit in some way even when you don’t feel like it.
One of the biggest deposits you can make is to cultivate your VIP, your voice of inspiration and praise which I have previously written about. It takes work and dedication to cultivate this voice, but if you don’t make the choice to be proactive, your life will seem like one of limitation. Becoming conscious of your thoughts is not only a choice that determines how you experience your life, but it’s also a choice about becoming the person who actually lives that life. It’s a choice about which voice you choose to listen to; the voice of judgment and limitation or the voice of inspiration, which becomes your “guiding light.”

Now that we’ve explored the importance of making a commitment to replenishing our accounts, let’s explore what we can do to reduce the worry in our lives and to stop the drain on our accounts. With that in mind, I have included a 3-step process which is excerpted from my forthcoming book, Dancing on the River, that will help you reduce the worry in your life.

The Reduce Worry Process

Worry is an irrational emotion. F.E.A.R. is an acronym that reminds us of this truth; False Evidence Appearing Real. The first question to ask yourself is what is the worst that can happen?

After you have done that, then ask yourself, “How likely is it, that what you are worrying about will happen?” This inquiry forces you to detach from what you are feeling, even if just for a few seconds. It gets you out of the irrational mode, which is when you usually imagine the worst-case scenario. From this place of feeling calmer, explore the likelihood of the particular thing that you are worrying about actually occurring. Usually I come to the conclusion that there is little likelihood of the future circumstance occurring and even if it does, it’s not the end of the world. I’ll get through it.

The next inquiry, although counterintuitive because of our past conditioning, is quite powerful. Ask yourself what the result would be if everything went your way. Very few of us allow ourselves to consider this possibility. We have no way of knowing what is going to happen in the future, yet for some reason when we worry we think we do. In the process of training our minds to think more positively about the possibilities in our life, life can become an exciting journey of discovery.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. Mark’s new book, Dancing on the River…Navigating Life’s Changes will be released May 1, 2010.In the process of training our minds to think more positively about the possibilities in our life, life can become an exciting journey of discovery.

I’m excited to announce that Dancing on the River, will be available on Amazon beginning May 15th. Feel free to forward Letters on Life to those in your circle and please let me know what’s going on in your life.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. Mark’s new book, Dancing on the River…Navigating Life’s Changes will be released May 15, 2010.