If only they would be more reasonable. You probably have said this over a hundred times. Maybe you have said this version. “If only they were easier to deal with.” That’s what we discussed on a call today.

After exploring numerous approaches to make the situation better nothing seemed to change. The other person stayed in their unreasonable mode…or at least that’s the way you saw it.

Perhaps it’s a situation with a past spouse regarding the welfare of your children or it could be with a coworker. The other person in your mind seems to be unreasonable; perhaps even pathologically so. You’ve tried everything. You are frustrated. You want them to change.

I’ve been there countless times. They won’t change unless you change first. Be the example. Don’t go to their level. This is such a common situation. Your challenge….don’t get plugged into their stuff. Since they won’t change, your only choice is to change how you react to them. And over time the dynamic will be different.

Most important is not to take what’s happening personally. When I was a trial lawyer, there were many times when I had to step back from the fray and be the observer. Actually noticing myself interacting with the other attorney. Over time I realized that I had a choice not to get plugged in.

Ask yourself how you want to feel after the interaction. You can be assertive without losing your cool. But there is a fine line that once you cross, your blood pressure starts to rise and you are in the middle of a confrontation. Visualize yourself in control as the interaction in progresses. What I mean control is to be in control of your emotions. That is a choice.

JOURNEY ON

Mark Susnow, an executive and life coach, inspires others to experience more fulfillment and success in their life. A former trial attorney for 30 years and musician, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. Whether coaching one-on-one, speaking to groups, or leading a retreat, he shares his message that regardless of our life’s circumstances, we can find more joy and meaning in our life. He is a sought after speaker and coauthor along with Zig Ziglar and Brian Tracy and other experts in the book 101 Great Ways to Improve your Life. Mark’s new book, Dancing on the River…Navigating Life’s Changes will be released in early 2010. mark@inspirepossibility.com 415.453.5016

Today I was thinking about conflict and the many emotions associated with it. First there is the disagreement. Your view is not in alignment with the other persons. You don’t like it. Your body tightens and your breathing becomes shallow.

Then there is the venting phase which involves making the other person wrong. You feel hurt and have a need to be vindicated. In your mind you make the other person wrong a thousand times and gather support for your viewpoint. You process it with other people until finally they don’t want to hear it anymore.

And then there is the letting go. You no longer have the need to talk about it. You become quiet and let it go. You become detached from the outcome. And as you become quieter, the conflict goes away.

Today I felt at peace with a current business conflict I was having. As I found the peace within myself, the conflict didn’t bother me any more. And then I ran into an old friend who I hadn’t seen in many years. I no longer was carrying the baggage of the prior conflict. I could be totally in the present and maintained my inner peace and enjoyed the day.

Journey On

Mark

Mark Susnow, an executive and life coach, inspires others to experience more fulfillment and success in their life. A former trial attorney for 30 years and musician, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. Whether coaching one-on-one, speaking to groups, or leading a retreat, he shares his message that regardless of our life’s circumstances, we can find more joy and meaning in our life. He is a sought after speaker and coauthor along with Zig Ziglar and Brian Tracy and other experts in the book 101 Great Ways to Improve your Life. Mark’s new book, Dancing on the River…Finding Joy and Meaning in the Midst of Change will be released in early 2010. mark@inspirepossibility.com 415.453.5016

Many years ago I had one of those experiences that you never forget. It shows up in so many areas of my life. I was a trial lawyer for 30 years and have been a musician since I was seven. Most people would say I am comfortable in front of people. But even now, whenever I’m in front of people, there is an inner conversation going on that I do not want to have. It is always a variation of “can I do it” or “will it be good enough.”

This experience occurred when I participated in a weekend workshop sponsored by the Actors Institute which was designed to increase one’s ability to give better presentations. The participants included actors, musicians, comedians, lawyers and politicians.

After a long weekend of exercises designed to “stretch” us we were required to give our presentation. We then critiqued our own and each others performance. Without exception, our critique of our own presentation was much harsher than the groups. The instructor commented that if we had to hire ourselves we would never get a job!

We are so hard on ourselves. The truth is, in the process of trying to be perfect, we often focus on our imperfections and sometimes that is all we see. Because of this fear of being imperfect, we procrastinate and agonize over seemingly easy tasks. My wife Annie reminded me of a story that illustrates this point.

The master lived quite a distance from the stream. Every day his servant, the water bearer, would walk from his master’s house to the stream with two large pots, each hung on opposite ends of a pole which he carried across his neck. One pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the walk, while the other pot had a crack in it and arrived only half full.

This went on for a full two years and the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, but the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its imperfections and of the fact that it was only able to accomplish half of what it had been made to do.

Finally the cracked pot summoned up enough courage to have its own conversation with the water bearer. It went something like this. ” I am ashamed and I want to apologize to you for I have let you down. Because of my flaws you have had to do twice as much work.” But the water bearer would have nothing of this conversation. “Did you notice the beautiful wild flowers along the path and did you notice that these beautiful flowers were only on your side of the path?” That’s because I have always known of your flaws and I took advantage of them and planted flower seeds on your side of the path and every day you watered them. And these beautiful flowers that you have watered everyday grace the master’s table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house.”

Each of us has our own unique flaws and in our own way we are all cracked pots. With all our imperfections we create a lot of beauty and good in the world. Perhaps what real courage is all about is not letting our fears and imperfections stop us. Instead of procrastinating we confidently take the next step.

Imagine experiencing your imperfections in a different way– as gifts or unique opportunities. Identify an imperfection in your life that gets more attention than it deserves and discover what gift is hidden in that imperfection. From this new vantage point imagine what could be possible? Let me know what you discover.

Journey On

Mark

Mark Susnow, an executive and life coach, inspires others to experience more fulfillment and success in their life. A former trial attorney for 30 years and musician, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. Whether coaching one-on-one, speaking to groups, or leading a retreat, he shares his message that regardless of our life’s circumstances, we can find more joy and meaning in our life. He is a sought after speaker and coauthor along with Zig Ziglar and Brian Tracy and other experts in the book 101 Great Ways to Improve your Life. Mark’s new book, Dancing on the River…Finding Joy and Meaning in the Midst of Change will be released in early 2010. mark@inspirepossibility.com 415.453.5016

KEEP YOUR WORD: Today I MADE myself go to the gym…What good is a gym if you don’t go? It felt good. I didn’t give into my saying to myself, “That’s good enough, I went there a few days ago.” Lately that self talk has been limiting and preventing me from taking the next step. Now I am motivated to change my workout frequency. I do mountain bike and I do get exercise that way….but I know I need to do that ab work. The ab work that most of us hate. And we hate noticing that’s what we need to do. And the abs are the only thing.

I have always said that one’s personal power is directly related to their ability to keep their agreements to themselves. As you become impeccable with your word to yourself your ability to achieve a level of mastery over your thoughts is achieved.

The theory being that you will become capable of shifting your thoughts from dwelling on the negative to the positive. Yes the preparation for this starts with saying, “Yes” to the gym” and doing that abwork. It starts with following through which becomes a positive pattern when you consistently keep your word. The hope is that with time and commitment you develop the ability to keep transcending what is possible in your life.

When is saying “no” stopping you? What is it preventing you from experiencing and accomplishing?

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow, an executive and life coach, inspires others to experience more fulfillment and success in their life. A former trial attorney for 30 years and musician, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. Whether coaching one-on-one, speaking to groups, or leading a retreat, he shares his message that regardless of our life’s circumstances, we can find more joy and meaning in our life. He is a sought after speaker and coauthor along with Zig Ziglar and Brian Tracy and other experts in the book 101 Great Ways to Improve your Life. Mark’s new book, Dancing on the River…Finding Joy and Meaning in the Midst of Change will be released in early 2010. mark@inspirepossibility.com 415.453.5016

I ran into, let’s call him Peter, at the coffee shop this morning. Peter is not a close friend or life coaching client, but an acquaintance and reader of my newsletter, Letters on Life. He let me know that he was beginning therapy for an underlying anxiety disorder that he has experienced since childhood.

This condition manifests physically as an increased heart rate. Peter is a great intellect and has a powerful mind. He has an answer for everything and most things he can figure out. So he figured that therapy is the answer. It will be to a certain degree.

One thing that Peter has not explored is a more holistic approach to look at what can he do to transcend this tendency to be anxious.

I didn’t try to dissuade Peter from therapy, but I suggested that he also meditate. Thru daily meditation, he could start to develop a stillness that transcends thought. That’s what meditation does. It’s not concerned with why you feel a certain way, or what caused you to get this way.

It takes you to that place beyond thought where the mind is still; where you are able to let go and let it be.

I don’t know if Peter will actually meditate. But I do know that the people who I work with in my life coaching practice who meditate regularly have an inner confidence that they didn’t experience prior to meditating. But you have to sit down and do it. You’ll have excuses why you aren’t doing it; but it’s going beyond your resistance where the real opportunity for transformation occurs.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow’s life has been an unfolding journey of discovery. A former trial attorney for 30 years and musician, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. Whether coaching one-on-one, speaking to groups, or leading a retreat, he shares his message that regardless of our life’s circumstances, we can find more joy and meaning in our life. He is a sought after speaker and coauthor along with Zig Ziglar and Brian Tracy and other experts in the book 101 Great Ways to Improve your Life. Mark’s new book, Dancing on the River…Finding Joy and Meaning in the Midst of Change will be released in early 2010. mark@inspirepossibility.com 415.453.5016

We all have a desire to be seen or heard and to be acknowledged. We’re constantly working on ourselves to become a better person. There’s nothing more gratifying than knowing that we have positively impacted another’s life. It reminds us that we are on the right path. It encourages us to become the best we can be and to fully express ourselves. With that in mind, we work on cultivating a life force more expansive than our physicality. It’s that essence–that quality about who we are–that is often remembered more, than what we looked like or what we said. We wonder what we can do to cultivate this inner quality, which transcends how we show up in the world. We think of this energy as charisma or presence.

Let’s turn our attention to what we can do to expand the life force inside of us. Most, if not all of us, live too much in our heads. Our thoughts control our lives. So much so, that instead of moving forward, our good intentions, stay in our minds and don’t get acted upon.

Perhaps the most important thing you can do to shift this pattern is to live from the heart. Cultivating a spiritual practice is the pathway that leads to this way of being. There are several forces at play here. Initially you have to make a commitment to the practice, which will support you in overcoming your resistance. Resistance prevents you from moving forward and living life fully. This is especially so when cultivating a spiritual practice or discipline. That’s why it’s referred to as a “practice or discipline.” Meditation, Yoga and Tai Chi are all practices that I have worked with at various times of my life. All of them cultivate the energetic life force which often shows up in the form of magnetism or enthusiasm. As an added bonus, several studies have documented the health benefits of these various practices. Not only will your ability to handle stress become better, but the benefits to your immune system are enormous.

When speaking to groups or to individual clients, I have noticed that many people struggle with finding their life purpose and the meaning of life. Because of this they sometimes feel lonely and alienated. This won’t change until they develop a connection with a higher power, greater than they are. Once they do, they will be reminded that they share this universe with many other species.

A spiritual practice is a great beginning, but just one piece of the pie. You still need to do more to expand your life force. I am a firm believer in the value of movement. There is nothing more profound than exercise to get your energy moving. Tell the truth. How often do you exercise? By exercising you get the endorphins going. Instead of feeling sluggish, you feel an energy that wasn’t there just a few minutes before. No matter how I am feeling emotionally, after about fifteen minutes of cardio, I feel much better. But as I have said before, you have to do the work.

Once you are grounded in a spiritual practice and exercise consistently, the next step, which is to live passionately, is not too much of a stretch. Finding something that you are passionate about becomes a reason for living. No matter what it is, that passion positively affects other areas of your life. In my former career as a trial attorney there were times when I was passionate about my work. But for the most part as time went on, it became mainly a business to me and I lost my passion for my career. If I didn’t have a passion for playing music and for my spiritual life, I would have felt like I was just going through the motions. Since I did have those passions, no matter what I was doing, I was able to bring my enthusiasm with me.

The final step is to develop a consciousness of Impeccability, which extends beyond where you ordinarily stop. Most of us have a sense of integrity in our relationship with others. We do what we say we are going to do. We’re reluctant to let someone down, even agreeing to things that perhaps we don’t really want to do. As a result, quite often when we say “Yes” to someone else, we are saying “No” to ourselves… to those life-empowering agreements we have made with ourselves…such as taking the time for our spiritual practice, our self-care program which includes exercise and eating healthier. So often when we wake up in the morning we say to ourselves, “I’m not in the mood. I’ll skip it today.” I know that one well. The trap we can fall into, is that we might say the same thing the next day, and before we know it, we are out of the habit.

Resistance prevents us from fully recommitting to our better self. It affects everything we do in some way. It might be “not doing something” or it might be “not participating fully.” By developing a consciousness of impeccability we have an inner resource that helps us overcome our resistance. Imagine what your life would be like, if once you said you were going to do something, there was no more discussion and you did it.

Many years ago, my son Josh brought home from the gym a quote that uses the word Workout as a metaphor for that consciousness of Impeccability. Take the liberty to use a different word than workout if you feel so inclined.

A workout is 25 percent perspiration and 75 percent determination. Stated another way it is one part physical exertion and three parts self discipline.

A workout makes you better today than you were yesterday.
It strengthens the body, relaxes the mind and toughens the spirit. When you work out regularly your problems diminish and your confidence grows.

A workout is a wise use of time and investment in excellence. It is a way of preparing for life’s challenges and proving to yourself that you have what it takes to do what is necessary.

A workout is a key that helps unlock the door to opportunity and success. Hidden within each of us is an extraordinary force. Physical and mental fitness are the triggers that can release it.

A workout is a form of rebirth. When you finish a workout you do not simply feel better, you feel better about yourself.

I love hearing from you. Let me know what is going on in your life. Please feel free to forward Letters on Life to those in your circle.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Throughout his life, Mark has always made a practice of taking a leap of faith whenever he heard the call for something more. His life has been an unfolding journey of discovery. A former trial attorney for 30 years and musician, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. Whether coaching one-on-one, speaking to groups, or leading a retreat, he shares his message that regardless of our life’s circumstances, we can find more joy and meaning in our life. He is a sought after speaker and coauthor along with Zig Ziglar and Brian Tracy and other experts in the book 101 Great Ways to Improve your Life. Mark’s new book, Dancing on the River…Finding Joy and Meaning in the Midst of Change. mark@inspirepossibility.com 415.453.5016

Lately I have been riding my Mt Bike. Yesterday I rode from my house to Bon Tempe which is one of the upper lakes. The first part of the climb isn’t too bad. In fact it’s a good workout but not necessarily challenging. But it’s the next part, from four corners to the upper lakes that is challenging. The incline is much steeper. In fact if you look up it seems daunting. yet you know that the steep part is not very far.

It’s just a few hundred yards…but that stretch is the challenge; on some occasions I have had to stop and walk my bike. I wanted to break this pattern.

Instead of wondering if I could make it to the top, I just focused on the step or two immediately in front of me. I didn’t look to see how far I had to go. For me the choice was simple. By breaking it down into small segmentss I didn’t notice any slope. It was only when I looked at the top that I noticed the steepness. As I pedaled focusing on what was immediately in front of me I reached the top and continued on my way. I wasn’t tired or winded and it was as if I was riding on a level trail.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Throughout his life, Mark has always made a practice of taking a leap of faith whenever he heard the call for something more. His life has been an unfolding journey of discovery. A former trial attorney for 30 years and musician, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. Whether coaching one-on-one, speaking to groups, or leading a retreat, he shares his message that regardless of our life’s circumstances, we can find more joy and meaning in our life. He is a sought after speaker and coauthor along with Zig Ziglar and Brian Tracy and other experts in the book 101 Great Ways to Improve your Life. Mark’s new book, Dancing on the River…Finding Joy and Meaning in the Midst of Change. mark@inspirepossibility.com 415.453.5016

Whether as a life coach or when speaking to groups, I am often asked whether we can create more presence in our life. We certainly can. Since charisma and presence is a form of energy, the question is how do you go about creating energy– And then there’s the question of what type of energy.

If you look at charisma or presence as magnetism then charisma can be used in a good or bad way depending on the intention of the person…There are some people that are just plain charismatic no matter what they do…But let’s talk about what we can do to create it in our lives…To me charisma is a matter of creating more presence. So how do you do that?

1.Increase your energy by exercising and breathing fully….
2.Have a discipline like meditation, yoga or Tai Chi that creates prana or chi.
3.Be aware of the phrasing and cadence of your words.
4.Eat lots of fruits and vegetables in that they contain a lot of water which is what our body needs.
5.Be aware of your environment.
6.Notice how you move or dance.
7.Be a little unpredictable.
8.Find something that you are passionate about…that will transfer to other areas of your life.
9.Develop a connection with a higher power.
10. Become impeccable-keep your agreements not only to other people, but to yourself. Most of us are pretty good when it comes to keeping agreements with other people. The challenge is to to keep them with ourselves….to eat healthier, to exercise, to practice self-care.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Throughout his life, Mark has always made a practice of taking a leap of faith whenever he heard the call for something more. His life has been an unfolding journey of discovery. A former trial attorney for 30 years and musician, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. Whether coaching one-on-one, speaking to groups, or leading a retreat, he shares his message that regardless of our life’s circumstances, we can find more joy and meaning in our life. He is a sought after speaker and coauthor along with Zig Ziglar and Brian Tracy and other experts in the book 101 Great Ways to Improve your Life. Mark’s new book, Dancing on the River…Finding Joy and Meaning in the Midst of Change. mark@inspirepossibility.com 415.453.5016

I’ve been reading Spencer Johnson’s new book Peaks and Valleys. Usually we think in terms of the highs and lows in our life or the ups and downs. It’s our emotional responses to how we react to life’s events that determine our moods. Sometimes I feel like a yoyo, my emotions being yanked all over the place. In the same day I can feel just about every emotion possible. On those days, even I when feel the dark feelings of despair, I also experience a deep sense of love and joy.

And then there are those days when I feel good inside. No matter what happens in my life, I have a smile inside. It’s that feeling of inner peace that no matter what is happening in my life, the light keeps shining.

We know that the circumstances of our life, like the weather, constantly changes. If our mood changes every time there is something new or different, our emotions will run our life.

So what can you do, that will support you in finding that sense of inner peace. As you know, quite often I have encouraged you to meditate. It’s been my path for many years. There’s one more practice you can incorporate into your life. And that is to practice Gratitude. Gratitude shifts your focus from what’s wrong or lacking in your life to what brings you joy. This practice just takes a few seconds and it doesn’t have to be complicated. Think about the little things. Think about some the qualities you like about yourself. After you meditate, focus on what you are thankful for. You might want to take some time to think about that right now.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Throughout his life, Mark has always made a practice of taking a leap of faith whenever he heard the call for something more. His life has been an unfolding journey of discovery. A former trial attorney for 30 years and musician, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. Whether coaching one-on-one, speaking to groups, or leading a retreat, he shares his message that regardless of our life’s circumstances, we can find more joy and meaning in our life. He is a sought after speaker and coauthor along with Zig Ziglar and Brian Tracy and other experts in the book 101 Great Ways to Improve your Life. Mark’s new book, Dancing on the River…Finding Joy and Meaning in the Midst of Change. mark@inspirepossibility.com 415.453.5016

Discipline has come easy to me. I have found that discipline has actually given me a sense of freedom. I am sure you have been in the presence of musicians who seem like they have been playing together. I have had that experience observing other musicians as well as playing with them. Quite often, someone might say to me, “How long have you been playing together?” Actually it was the first time. Why were we able to create that magic? It was the discipline practicing the scales for hours that gave us the freedom when we played our instruments. It was also working on our sound. Dancers have the same experience. All of the hours of not just learning the routines and sequences, but the hours of preparing the body to be open and flexible so that in a performance there is a grace and elegance.

And preparing for a presentation is the same way. Preparation and becoming familiar with the material goes a long way toward giving you a freedom in your delivery. The better you know the material, the more you can get into the presentation and have a certain fluidity in your delivery.

Although many people think of discipline as a form of repetition and confining, that’s what gives you that sense of freedom. Yet some people still have resistance to the concept of discipline. I have many good friends who are like that.

This is where you might want to think in terms of impeccability. Impeccability is a consciousness which not only encompasses discipline but much more. It’s a statement about who you are. It’s a state that you can grow into.

Imagine giving your word to yourself to exercise, to eat well or practice your art form. Keeping your word to yourself is powerful and takes a high level of commitment and will. But still we let down and justify it by thinking that we are not perfect and it’s ok to cut ourselves a little slack. Nothing wrong with that approach.

But imagine if you think in terms of impeccability when you don’t keep your word to yourself. Would you feel different? Would you stay on purpose? You know you would. For a moment think about how you can make that shift in your life. And how would it make a difference in your life?

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Throughout his life, Mark has always made a practice of taking a leap of faith whenever he heard the call for something more. His life has been an unfolding journey of discovery. A former trial attorney for 30 years and musician, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. Whether coaching one-on-one, speaking to groups, or leading a retreat, he shares his message that regardless of our life’s circumstances, we can find more joy and meaning in our life. He is a sought after speaker and coauthor along with Zig Ziglar and Brian Tracy and other experts in the book 101 Great Ways to Improve your Life. Mark’s new book, Dancing on the River…Finding Joy and Meaning in the Midst of Change. mark@inspirepossibility.com 415.453.5016