Many of us have the mistaken belief that when what bothers us goes away that we’ll be happy. Or at least less stressed. While that may be true temporarily, it doesn’t last very long. It’s not the circumstance that is causing the problem, but the patterns we have had our entire lives that determine how we react emotionally. Something that we perceive as negative affects our entire moods. We overreact to normal situations and find ourselves upset more often than we would like. When we’ve had a chance to reflect we can’t believe that we acted the way we did.

For example, business is tight right now. You think that when business picks up that you can relax. That’s not the case. And you don’t know if business will pick up in the current business you are in. And if it does you might not have as much time as you did before to enjoy yourself. And this could also apply to your relationships. Don’t wait to enjoy yourself. You might not get another chance. And if in our example business does pick up, you might have other problems such as relationship or health challenges. You will never get another chance to live this moment. Forget about this idea that “only if” something was different you could be happy. It not the circumstances but your beliefs about what the circumstances mean that determines your happiness. Happiness is a choice. Choose happiness.

Well I think that about covers it. I’ll explore it some more in a future blog.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

I KNOW THAT SOMEWHERE YOU CAN HEAR ME. I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU.

I HAVE A LOT TO TELL YOU. BUT I WANT TO LEAVE YOU WITH ONE THOUGHT THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER FORGET.

YOU CAN BE HAPPY AND FULFILLED, ALTHOUGH IT MIGHT NOT SEEM THAT WAY AT TIMES. KEEP ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT HOW YOU CAN DO THIS. SOMETIMES IT SEEMS EASY AND THEN IT CHANGES. YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT LIFE CHANGES. THINGS DON’T STAY THE SAME. SO YOU HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO BE FLEXIBLE. HAVE A SPIRITUAL PATH, SOMETHING THAT YOU SPEND SOME TIME WITH EVERYDAY. OTHEWISE YOU’LL GET TOO CAUGHT UP IN THE DAY-TO-DAY SUPERFICIALITY OF LIFE.

DON’T FORGET TO LAUGH…EVEN IN THOSE MOMENTS OF PAIN AND SORROW, THERE IS JOY AND LAUGHTER ON THE OTHER SIDE. SO DON’T GIVE UP…KEEP GOING FOR IT AND REMEMBER THERE ARE NO FREE LUNCHES. YOU ARE GOING TO GET YOUR SHARE OF LUMPS. BUT IT’S WHAT YOU DO WITH THEM THAT ULTIMATLEY DETERMINES THE QUALITY OF YOUR LIFE.

HERE’S TO THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

WITH LOVE AND BLESSINGS

JOURNEY ON

Yet connecting with another is one of the greatest challenges that we all face; a challenge worthy of our best efforts. It comes up everyday in the work that I do. The following is an excerpt from Dancing on the River.

Sometimes telling a story is the best way to describe the feeling. There is that moment when you feel touched by another person and your heart is wide open.

You’re on the way to the airport. You get on the plane with a book that you’ve been planning to read for quite some time. As you open your book you glance at the person next to you. A few minutes later you’re asked a question and you reluctantly answer. You lower your book a bit to be polite and after a few minutes you find yourself putting your book down and engaging in a conversation, although with a lack of enthusiasm. And then the person next to you, let’s call him John, makes an observation about you that’s quite perceptive and sensitive. You start to become curious about who John is and in the course of the conversation, he tells you about an experience he has only shared with a few people. You let John know that you have had a similar experience. By now you’re totally engaged and listening to every word he says. You notice every nuance in the inflection of his voice and in the way he moves. Time seems to stand still and the next thing you know the plane lands. You say goodbye to the kindred soul you have just met. You’ll always be connected.

You now know what’s possible. You feel heard and everything seems possible. It’s communication at its highest level and is a lost art. When you integrate four fundamental truths of communication into your life, you’ll experience these moments more often.

The first truth is to know that what we all want is the ability to connect with another’s heart and soul. Unfortunately too many of our conversations are just an exchange of ideas and information and we rarely penetrate the surface. Most of our focus is on how we are going to respond to what is being said, instead of listening. When we know that what the other person really wants is connection, there will be common ground to build upon. From this foundation, we can build inspiring relationships that keep evolving.

The second truth is to know that listening involves much more than just listening to words. It is tuning into the energy beyond the words. It is understanding the needs and feelings of the other person. It’s being totally engaged and at the same time flowing with the rhythm of life. Yes, it takes a lot of energy, but you’re energized by what you get back. Imagine living in a world in which you are truly listening and fully present . As the philosopher and mystic Thomas Merton so profoundly stated in his Asian Journal:
The deepest level of communication is not communication but communion. It is wordless. It is beyond words, and is beyond speech and concept…We are already one. But we imagine that we are not. And what we have to recover is our original unity. What we have to be is what we are.

The third truth is to know that you must take responsibility for the quality of your communications. This includes having the conversation, which many of us tend to avoid. Because we all have long-standing attitudes and beliefs, we sometimes find ourselves trying to convince the other person that our perspective is the best one. Being right then becomes the goal of the interaction rather than communication, and the next thing you know you are in a full-fledged argument. Just think of what happens when you discuss politics or religion. Being right becomes more important than experiencing one of those magical moments.

Yes you’ll have to get out of your comfort zone and initiate many of these conversations. You might be afraid of putting yourself out there and possibly being rejected. You’ll find that more often than not, the person you are reaching out to welcomes the conversation just as much as you do. As we have discussed in the first truth, all of us crave more connection in our busy lives.

The fourth truth is that communication is a process and an art. Being a masterful communicator doesn’t happen over night but it starts with the intention to experience more connection in your life. Just as it is with other art forms, such as dancing or music, there is a natural ebb and flow in the learning cycle. As your commitment deepens, you notice glimpses of the magic that is possible in your life. The ultimate connection occurs when, by sharing who you really are, you touch another’s soul.

We are part of one human family. At our core we have the same human needs and desires. We have the need to love and be loved. We want to know that our life has meaning and that we have a purpose for being here at this time. When we work together as one, what’s possible in our lives, communities, and the world keeps evolving. That’s when we know we are all kindred souls.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Another big challenge that we face, at least those who I work with as their life coach, is the erroneous belief that when what is bothering us goes away, there will be smooth sailing.

You know that one. “Only if” this person wasn’t in my life, my life would be better. You could be in a bad relationship, or you could have an ongoing conflict with someone in the work place. You leave or they leave and you feel better for a little while until the next problem occurs.

The “only if syndrome” shows up in many different forms. I’m sure you know them, especially this one. If business picks up, the pressure will be off. It usually is for awhile and then you have new concerns. You have to fulfill the requirements of the increased business and then you worry about next year or the next slump. I can guarantee you one thing. If you tend to worry, there will always be something to worry about. As I have written in Dancing on the River, happiness is a reflection of a life decision that you make to be happy in the moment over and over again. Once you make this decision, your life will become one of adventure rather than one of struggle.

Be grateful for all of the blessings in your life. Focus on what’s right, rather than on what is wrong.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He is the author of, Dancing on the River…Navigating Life’s Changes.

With that in mind, I began writing more often. Each day I would chronicle my insights and experiences that I thought would be interesting to share. But like a lot of good ideas, not all of them are carried out to completion.

It seems as if many of the people with whom I work as a life coach have the same challenge. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s one of your challenges too. As a result we stop short of really getting to know something. We don’t get to experience that depth of understanding.

We resist being in the moment. Our mind detracts us from whatever we are doing. “There is something else we could be doing” we think to ourselves. Or we might be thinking, “why am I here, I don’t want to do this.”

What you are experiencing in form or the other is what I call resistance. Overcoming resistance is one of the biggest challenge that we all face. It shows up in so many aspects of our lives. It’s only when we go deeper that we can experience those magical moments. Let me give you an example.

I was looking forward to going to yoga this morning but at the last minute thought about bagging it before I left the house. But i didn’t and went to class. It took a while before settling in and being present. I felt great after class. That was just one experience, but it is that thought process that occurs in almost everything we do.

During the class I had so many thoughts about just letting it go and not being there. It’s that duality that we all experience. We are physically present at a particular place..doing something…yet at the same time our mind is some other place. And with all of the latest technology, it makes the problem even greater. As soon as it’s feasible, one brings out their cell phones.

That’s what I’m working on–being totally present…I think that’s what charisma is all about. People who we perceive as charismatic have that ability to be present and to exhibit presence. Think of it in another way. What is presence? Being present.

It’s something you can work on and develop. In a subsequent blog we’ll talk about a few things that can help you develop this quality.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Now think about what you want to accomplish. What changes will you have to put into place to make it become a reality? I guess I’ve asked a lot of questions. Questions are powerful and are probably the most effective way to shift your focus. If you notice I am assuming that for you to live the life you really want that you will have to make some changes in your life. Let’s explore this concept.

If you are thinking about lack and limitation ask yourself what questions you are asking yourself. Usually you aren’t even aware of what they are. For example, if you have had a few disappointments in business you might be asking yourself how things can get worse, or what else can go wrong.

When you are in a downward spiral use empowering questions to change the spiral. For example again using the few disappointments scenario an empowering question might be: I wonder who my next client will be or what my next project will be? Or you might ask yourself this question. How does it get better than this? So you begin to think of solutions rather than problems. You’re curious and begin to develop a mindset that is attractive and resourceful.

How you frame your life determines your life because it is a fundamental law of the universe that what you focus on expands. CHANGE YOUR THINKING–CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

JOURNEY ON

MARK

Personal Development is like that. You have to be open to change. The more open you are the higher you can go. Eventually you’ll get near the top and what you see expands you.

When you reach the peak your view is unlimited. You look in every direction and your view is unobstructed. You consider things you’ve never thought were possible. You’re confidence is at an all time high. You experience a magic and excitement. You’re looking forward to what’s next.

But it doesn’t stay that way. You come back down and return to the starting point— well not exactly the starting point because you’ll never see things the way you did before you began the journey. You had a glimpse–a glimpse that keeps you going even in the darkest moments.

That glimpse lets you know what is possible and you gratefully accept the challenge. It also prepares you for the next challenge; a new mountain that you can’t even imagine at this time. It’s only when looking back you realize how far you’ve come.

I invite you to read my new book Dancing on the River. It’s a guide into unknown territory. After reading it, you’ll be more comfortable with “not knowing” what the future holds. You might even feel that the unknown is your friend.

Mark Susnow, is an executive and life coach, who inspires others to believe in themselves. A former trial attorney for 30 years, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. Mark’s new book, Dancing on the River…Navigating Life’s Changes will be released May 22, 2010.